I don’t think I’ve never talked about relationships and dating, and stuff like that on here but I think I should. Not today though.
As usual life has brought another lesson to my doorstep. It wasn’t one that I am unfamiliar with, but it wasn’t something I particularly noticed. It’s just something that has happened a few times, but until it happened again recently did the reality of it settle in my mind.
As humans we have wants and needs, some we are conscious about, while there are others that we aren’t. The thing about those unconscious needs or wants is that you don’t realize they exist until it’s either brought to your attention or you are denied access to it. In simpler terms, you sometimes don’t know you want chocolate until you see it. The other aspect is you not even knowing that such thing is attainable until it is denied to you.
It is easy for me to live without them when there aren’t reminders of them. I can function and move on with my life like I don’t feel it. The emptiness. The longing to fill up the loneliness. It’s so easy to pretend it isn’t there. To distract myself and push all thoughts of it to the back of my mind where I can’t reach it. I have unconsciously suppressed those desires to the back of my mind where I cannot remember their existence, until now.
I was denied something. I have been denied things before, this particular thing too and ironically for the same reason. It just rubbed me off the wrong way for some reason. One of the reasons was that I was already cast out before I was given a chance to prove myself. More so I hadn’t even considered that possibility until I was told I couldn’t have it. Then all hell broke loose.
The question of why can’t it be me? Where aren’t I enough? Was that truly the reason or just an excuse to let me know that there is a possibility of getting it wasn’t ever going to be possible? Was it to scare me away? Or was it to let me know where I stand so I don’t get my hopes up?
Don’t get me wrong. I understand rejection. I can accept rejection. You can’t have everything and you can’t please everyone. But it still hurts. It hurts a lot especially when you weren’t even given a chance. It hurts so much and I thought about it a lot for two to three days. I mourned the loss of something I didn’t know that I wanted.
That was the point when I actually thought about it. I didn’t have expectations or thoughts in that direction, I was just vibing. But then I was told I couldn’t have something I didn’t even know that I wanted, then I wanted it. I now felt the longing to have it. Then the suppressed thoughts of ‘what if’ rose to the surface and I question why the fuck can’t I have it!
I was hurt because it reminded me that I couldn’t be anything more than I was, at least in that situation. I was denied because of a reason that doesn’t even make sense and that hurt more. Don’t worry it wasn’t something major like race or religion. It was just a lacking of a skill that wasn’t really a requirement, everyone as their standard so we have to respect it.
At some points I was denied this while ago, I got this crazy idea to chase it regardless. I need to want it and go after it, consequences be damned. It’s not in my nature though because I know to respect people’s decisions, but I wanted to try. I tried, not as enthusiastically as others would have tried. You know what that taught me? My matter how little or how much you try, if it isn’t for you, you won’t get it. As a self-aware person that I am I don’t chase what I know doesn’t want me call my especially when the denial has been given.
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