Everything hurts. Watching you leave was painful enough, but watching you love someone else, now that’s heart wrenching. Especially knowing that you could never love me the way I knew you could. You weren’t even mine to begin with so why does it hurt so much. It hurts because that I am yours. I loved you with everything that I am but yet it wasn’t enough.
For a long time I have learned I couldn’t be perfect. Its humanly impossible to be anyway. But perfection was never the goal. I just wanted to be perfect enough for you, to deserve your love. But I wasn’t and I will never be. It could have been a little easier if you had at least given me time to come to terms with the whole situation before you moved on. But yet again you couldn’t even give me that.
Its not even about me though. Its your life, you can do what you want. That’s what you always did, whatever you wanted. You told me in different ways what I meant to you, but I chose to be blind. You said we should just go with the flow. You said labels would change things. You said you needed more time to figure out what you want. You said a whole lot of fucking things. All those things meant that I was deluding myself that you wanted me as much as I wanted you. Guess I’m the fool.
You said it in your actions. You treated me like an option. You cared for me but not in a way a lover would. Every action felt like more of a responsibility than something you wanted to do out of love. You said it in your evasiveness, unavailability, negligence, ignorance and every other avoidant characteristic.
Everyone saw it and tried to warn me, but I was blinded by my love for you and the moments you showed me affection. Now I realise that affection and love are 2 different things, they are capable of coexisting, but they can also exist independently without the other.
The startling realization is enough to stop my heart and land myself in the hospital. The pain is too much. To realize I was nothing to you when you were everything to me. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt. Now you add insult to injury by getting into a relationship not long after we ended. Not a causal relationship and actual committed romantic relationship.
I’d like to think that this had nothing to do with me and it all honestly it doesn’t, but it hurts so much. Why couldn’t it be me? What’s wrong with me? Am I so unlovable?
It doesn’t even matter what the answers are because I know what everyone else will say, that I deserve everything, and I am worthy. And I’d gladly tell them to go to hell. I don’t need to hear all that bullshit, I need to know why it couldn’t be me and I know damn well no one has that answer, not even the fucker that left me.
The simple truth is that I wasn’t what the fucker wanted and no matter what I did I could never be it. I have to come to terms with that sad reality and hopefully find someone that loves me for me. The problem is I don’t know how to cure this pain or even how long it would take. That’s the funny thing about healing, you never know what would work for you or how long it would take.
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