I think I dodged a serious bullet by not being the first child, but that doesn’t stop the standards and expectations. It doesn’t stop the comparison from the moment parents see any difference that strays away from what they originally want from you or have seen from your older sibling. I’m not sure what it looks like for the rest of the world, but from an African perspective its truly toxic.
Its more toxic when your elder is a high achiever, the golden child and you’re barely above average. It honestly doesn’t change if they are below average either because now you’re expected to be the standard. You can’t win honestly.
The weight gets even worse when they make so many sacrifices for you. They manage, endure, forsake certain things so that you have a better life and brighter future. Some parents throw it in your face, emotionally manipulate you so you stand in line and work harder and ‘make them proud’. The issue with this is that there is no certainty that just because of the sacrifices they made you’re bound to succeed. You could fail and that would be the greatest shame of all.
Some parent would never let you live that failure down, as you’ll now be known as that family disappointment. Nothing you ever do is going to be enough until you attain the level of success that they deem is worthy of all the sacrifices made for you.
Then there are the silent ones that don’t condemn you but you know they are disappointed. They feed you, clothe you, but you know how they feel. The undertones when they talk to you make you know. The looks they give you speaks volumes. You can’t do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, breathe the wrong way. Then again everything you do is wrong. You’re constantly on edge cause you don’t know what would drive them to the edge. You shrink yourself so they can barely hear or see you. Constantly living in fear.
When you succeed you avoid all the downsides of failure. Because once you get that stain of failure its so hard to wash it off. I don’t know which is worse; the reproach or the silence, because either way your peace is gone and fear finds a home in you. You either succeed or succeed; failure isn’t an option you want to explore.
I understand the reason behind the whole expectation, what I don’t understand is the degradation. The way we are spoken to on that journey to success. You’re given a little taste of what it means to fail before you do. Insults, comparison, ridicule, your self-worth is torn apart but you’re expected to learn confidence when you’re constantly being picked apart. Funny how showing confidence is taken as pride and people feel this urge to humble you.
It’s crazy how your emotional well-being is not even an existent entity in their mind but every action they take is a constant target at the major thing they neglect. I know not all parents are that way, doesn’t change the fact that that is a rare minority. Why do I feel hunted in the place I’m supposed to feel safe? Why do you do the same things to me that you hated being done to you? Do you care how your words affect me?
You say you care but you don’t act like you do, because there’s no way you heard the words that left you mouth and thought that they were good enough to say to your child. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or not. We have established that being honest or blunt doesn’t equate to being rude or lacking emotional consideration. Because if you considered my feelings and how your words would affect me you wouldn’t say the things you said. You would think carefully about the words coming of your mouth and find a way to get your point across without sound so negligent.
There is a reason why gentle parenting is a thing now. Because we’ve all been delt the hand of emotional negligence and decided that the effects are to grave to give another generation of children. They aren’t stupid, dumb or hardheaded, they just learn differently and have different interests and that’s perfectly okay.
Its just stressful being looked at as a disappointment for the fact that your life didn’t work out the way someone else expected it to. Even if its not the way you wanted it to go either, it doesn’t equate to you being a failure or being prosecuted for it. Sometimes life just happen and we often remember that when the situation isn’t ours and forget it when it is.