The day the scales feel from my eyes was the day I saw myself. I was busy chasing shadows while being barely noticed. I saw myself the way he saw me. Available, ever ready, forgiving, accepting, tolerant, naïve, easy and maybe even easy to manipulate. I don’t know how I missed it before, in fact I don’t think I did. I just wanted to believe something else.
I watched the interest and excitement for another. He gushed her so enthusiastically. I watched the one I wanted, want someone else.
Throughout that conversation I saw myself for the fool I was. All the breadcrumbs I thought would mean something one day felt like dust on my fingers. I couldn’t say I didn’t recognize who was in front of me because he hadn’t hid who he was from me. I simply choose to hope. Hope is a dangerous thing. I am thankful I didn’t do something stupid because shame wouldn’t even cover the feeling.
He can admire someone so intently, and that someone isn’t me, it never was. He does want me but not with the same drive that he wants her. I mean something but not something enough to be her to him. I knew he had it in him to feel things for someone, unfortunately that someone isn’t me.
Then I noticed something interesting. Every time we met, he touched me less and less. You could attribute it to him being less attracted to me or uninterested, but I don’t think so. He still acts like he wants me, still says it. His eyes still scream desire; his hands crave to touch my skin.
Its in the way he looks at me with so much want, like he wants to say so much but is scared of what the words would mean. His hands crave to touch my skin, its so obvious from the way he holds back. I watch his hands reach for me and recoil. He even said it the last time that he was about to touch me. I asked why he didn’t and he didn’t have an answer.
I find it funny though. The whole thing is amusing. He wants me but not enough to actually keep me. He wants to eat his cake and have it too. They give you just enough to get you hooked but not enough to commit. I’ve seen these things happen over and over again. He used to cuddle me tightly, touch me all the time, practically live in my skin. Overtime the cuddle got less and less. He cuddles ma yeah but it’s not as obsessive as it used to be.
Its obvious he wants me. Too many signs are there but he’s restricting himself. Trying not to want me as much as he does but still keep me close. Avoiding being vulnerable with me for whatever reason. Avoid getting too deep into conversations that really show who you are. Wanting to remain at surface level, its what you want anyways but its sad.
Maybe its because its me. You don’t want to have that kind of bond with me, but sometimes you slip up and say you want me, show me parts of you that you hide. Maybe it’s a general thing and its not just me. I don’t know and at this point I’m letting it all go cause there’s no point. Thinking, reading signs, creating theories, all this shit I’m doing on my own and to myself FOR WHAT?
Its clear that I’m not her and you don’t want me to be so, that’s alright. I hear you loud and clear. Hint taken.
Touching me less and less so you don’t feel more. That’s really crazy.
Months after and she’s brought up and you don’t even remember her. Maybe the problem isn’t her or me, its you. Its always been you and how you’ve decided you want to be and treat others. I understand that now