Today was such a good day. I slept early last night and woke up early. It felt good to do something different. I did my social media run and then I saw a post on Instagram that touched me differently.
Photo that inspired this that I claim no right over
I didn’t want to think about it but I knew I wanted to write about it. And now 2 situations have brought pain and disappointment to my being and reminded me of how much I mean nothing.
I’ve always prided myself on my ability to predict disappointment. My ability to be pessimistic and always prepare for disappointment. Even when disappointment is inevitable the pain when it happens doesn’t lessen. It still hurts. I grieve the loss of what could have been because in as much as I know I might get disappointed; I still want to believe the possibility of it happening.
I do not realize how much pain I am in until I see or hear something that reminds me of my pain. I think I’m over it; I think it doesn’t hurt anymore. I think I’ve let go, that I’ve healed. I think they can hurt me anymore until I realize that they never stopped. I just wasn’t aware of how much damage was being done. Or maybe it took much more efforts to hurt me this time.
Maybe before all it took was for one punch to knock me out but I became stronger so one punch wasn’t enough anymore. I grew from one to two. The more I was hurt the tougher I became so the harder they tried. Now it takes several punches to get me down especially now that I have allowed myself to stay on the ground.
Have I actually healed? Or am I still healing? Or have I not even healed at all?
I don’t even know any of the answers to these questions. Maybe I’m in the process of healing but having the same injury reignited by the same cause isn’t helping the healing process. Maybe that’s the reason.
I keep getting hurt by different people treating me the exact same way. The exact same pattern. Treating me like an option. Treating me like I am nothing. Like I mean nothing. Showing me repeatedly that my existence is only wanted when it is convenient for them. When I am not wanted I will be treated like the nothing that I am but when I am wanted I will be treated like I matter if only for the moment until my use has expired.
We can preach the shit of I deserve better and I should wait for better. Fuck you! Why the fuck can’t the ones that are here, that I want, be better for me?! Why must I wait for eternity for it? Why don’t I deserve it now? Why can’t I have it now? Why must I be treated like an object? I must that always mean fucking nothing?!!
I’m so tired of everything that I am and everything that I am not. I’m so tired of waiting. I am tired of the pain. Of the disappointment. I’m tired of being treated like a replaceable option or even worse, nothing. Like I don’t exist, like I am a waste. Why can’t I have what I want? Am I undeserving? Why can you only care for me when it’s convenient for you? Why not always? Am I so terrible? Why get my hopes up with pretty words and cute once in a blue moon actions then treat me worse than the dirt on your shoe.
I am so tired of hurting over and over again poster I don’t care if it takes 2 punches or 20 punches just stop hurting me and leave me the hell alone.
‘Let me know what you think, any opinions or comments you may have as well as my latest daily segment (DeliciousWords) will be on Instagram: @beautifully_psychotic_ and Twitter: @BeautifullyPsyc. I look forward to interacting with you. Or if you just want to talk I’m here to listen.’