Another day to stare at the blank ceiling, another day to watch the day go by and the night come. Another day to question reality. Another day to waste my existence. Another day to drain the life within me. Another day closer to my death. Another day to wonder. Another day to consider the possibility of change. Another day to not change. Another day to wish the day would end so tomorrow I could change. Another day to sleep. Another day to stare at the mirror and not recognize myself. Another day to grieve everything that I wanted but couldn’t have. Another day to mourn the living as if they were dead because in my heart they are.
Another day to ask myself questions that I have no answer to and questions that I do have answers to, like this one ‘why can’t it be me?’ Because it wasn’t meant to be you in the first place. It’s not for you so you won’t have it no matter how hard you try. And if you force your way into it, it will only hurt like a bitch and still leave.
Sometimes we need to be honest with ourselves about the things that we think we want. Especially when we know it isn’t good for us. Life is the most complicated thing on earth but in its complexity, it is simple, we are the ones that make things complicated. You see something that doesn’t look or feel right but you go ahead with it. If everything within and out of us says this is wrong, why do you still choose to convince yourself that it is right.
In my moment of self-reflection, as well as a conversation with an ex-acquaintance I discovered my own meaning of self-love. It just came to me what I’d define self-love as. It’s about loving yourself and not letting the opinions or actions of others change your opinion of yourself. When I say this I mean that your personal image is not affected by what any other external voice does or says.
Its looking at yourself and seeing the things that are right and wrong but loving everything as it is. It is feeling that you want to change something about yourself not because of the opinions of others but because you have realized change doesn’t have to be negative, it can come from a place of love. I don’t want to change this because I hate it, I want to change this because I know I can do/be better.
I can change my eating habits not because I hate my body but because I love it so much, I want to eat healthier or better so I can be healthier and look healthier. I want to go to the gym not because I hate the physique that I am now, or I want to lose or gain weight or because there’s a body image that I want aim for but because I love the body that I have and I want to exercise so that I can be physically fit and I can look better. It’s good to exercise. It’s good for my body, mind and overall well-being.
Because there isn’t a soul without insecurities, but there are people that don’t let their insecurities get the best of them. They know they don’t like those things but that doesn’t change the way they feel about the rest of themselves. I might not like my face but that doesn’t mean my ass isn’t nice. Especially if you love your ass. Don’t let your whole self suffer for a part of yourself.
Self-hate can be caused by external bodies, and I don’t reduce the level of pain that can cause. But no one is in charge of your feelings but you. You can choose to continue to believe others or look inward and see for yourself how beautiful you are. Beauty has always been subjective if not everyone of us would look exactly the same. What someone appreciates another person can despise and that’s life.
Not everyone will like you and that’s okay. Not everyone that doesn’t like you will have a valid reason for it either. They just don’t like you and that’s their choice. It has nothing to do with you as a person. Some people also project their insecurities onto others and that in itself says more about them then you.
In as much as self-love can look so easy, it isn’t. In as much as we would like to share the same definition, we are too different for that kind of universality. How you choose to love yourself may differ from how another person chooses to do so.
If you don’t love your body now the possibility of you loving it later isn’t guaranteed. You could do everything possible to achieve the goals you set but it still won’t be enough because once you meet those goals, you’re looking for the next one to meet and the cycle continues. Some end up loving the results, some end up looking for a better in a more toxic route. Like I said self-love is different for everyone and that also includes self-hate.
‘Let me know what you think, any opinions or comments you may have as well as my latest daily segment (DeliciousWords) will be on Instagram: @beautifully_psychotic_ and Twitter: @BeautifullyPsyc. I look forward to interacting with you. Or if you just want to talk I’m here to listen.’