GRIEF
I have never lost someone to the hands of death before, more so to the hands of life. I have lost people to the circle of life. To people choosing to leave my life for whatever reason or for the circumstances of life drifting us apart. In particular I have noticed certain patterns that have continuously repeated themselves over and over again in the last few years. People get close enough to be my friends, move further into being closer then out of the blue, with no provocation, they leave. When a phenomenon such as this happens once or twice, we could say it’s a simple circumstance of life. But when such phenomenon repeatedly repeats itself to the form of a pattern you begin to ask questions.
Until last year, 2023, I haven’t lost anyone to death. I lost 3 family members in a span of a few weeks. I wasn’t particularly affected by their loss because I wasn’t close to any of them. My apathy was marvelling at the time. The point of this is inclusion is that death didn’t give me as much as pain as life has. I lost someone again recently, not by death. You’d think after this happening so often I’d get used to it or even prepare for it. To be honest I do prepare, and I am used to it, and it hurts less each time because I expect and prepare for it. Yet it hurts none the less. Losing someone you care about simply because they choose to leave is quite a fragile feeling.
The day I wrote the first sentence of this entry was the day my mind decided to grieve the loss of yet another person. I don’t cry for these loses. I simply reflect and accept them. I have let the situation go. In as much as I get hurt very often, I’ve never lost my will for connection or love. I decided very early on in life to never let anyone, or anything change the person that I am or want to be. If I become the thing that I despise, what makes me any different from the rest of them? I’m just more protective of myself and I give less of myself to people. I don’t treat anyone badly; I just have less expectations and wait for everything to crash and burn.
Maybe it’s not time for me to find my people, maybe I have no people. Whatever the case maybe I am my number one priority above all else. So protecting me matter more than anything. Access to me is not for everyone, you have to earn that right. You can’t come and go as you please, I’m not a grocery store. My feelings are not toys to be played with. Bare minimum treatment is not accepted. Its either you’re all in or all out, no in between. If you leave, never come back. If you decide to come back be ready to start from zero and work twice as hard. And if you fuck up the second time its game over.
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