I have spent a lot of time thinking about things that I can control and things that I cannot control, and it has not made me feel any better about anything. You know when you feel like you’ve finally established the difference between the two so now you can understand things better. You can work on the things that are in your hand and leave the things that are not but that apparently isn’t making me feel any better about anything. It just feels like a more impossible task because everything seems to be out of my control. I’ve spent my life growing in ways that I never understood or noticed so shouldn’t I be grateful and happy about it?
I guess I should be. I have things within me that are unique to me alone. I am likeable to the things that I have but I’m not sure if I would ever feel the feeling that truthfully want to feel. How do I want to feel? Like I am actually adequate. I want to feel more than just a piece in a whole. I want to feel like my life worth’s something, I’m worth being alive and that my existence truthfully is meaningful and important in some way. I don’t want to feel so useless and inadequate all the time. I want to actually feel good about myself for once.
I know a lot of people would love to say that self-love is the best kind of love, and you are the only person that can make yourself feel all those things but shut the fuck up. I’m very much aware of all these things and I know that they are very much true but 2 things. The first is that I know exactly what I need as self-love ain’t it, I love myself enough for a whole nation but I also hate myself enough for 2 nations ready to go to war. Second things is that in as much we’d like to belittle the effect of other people’s opinions and words, it is not effective right now and I’ll explain.
Let’s start with insecurities. Insecurities mostly begin with other people. Self-esteem issues begin with other people. What people say to you affects how you feel about yourself. Those words that are said cause you to start looking at yourself very differently and seeing nothing but flaws and building those insecurities that you never had before. Those insecurities make you question whether you were wrong, and they are right because they are seeing you and your opinion might be biased because it’s you to you. It’s even worse when these words come from people that you trust and love.
So, their opinions matter so much to you. So if they are saying these things then it must be true, right? If the people that know me and love me say these things then it can only mean that it is true because they wouldn’t hurt me or lie to me, would they? They must be right, and I am exactly what they say I am.
I would like to make everyone feel better and say that it’s a lie but is it?
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