There is this passion that I desire but I am not allowed to have. I am not restricted to having it by any means, but the consequences of the past hold me back from exploring further than the limits that I have given myself. It is not that I do not want to reach the peak of my desire, it is the reality of how lethal that desire is. I often wonder if this thing that I seek is truly worth the sacrifice. But then is their truly complete pleasure without a little bit of pain. No matter how much I tell myself that it won’t be that bad, the trauma that existed before crawls in and the fear traps me in a state of flight.
I cannot run successfully though, because the further I run the more curious I become. The more I want to understand this urge within me. I no longer feel the need to actually satisfy this desire, but I want to understand every single thing about it. I want to explore every theory it has to offer me, but the practical aspect is far more scary. Every time I am brought to the physical position to fulfil my desire the trauma comes in full force to stop my actions. My mind and body begin a war which my mind always wins. Not because my body isn’t strong enough but because it remembers exactly why that trauma exists in the first place. Then I run as fast as I can.
I do not know if this would forever be the case and I’m not sure how I feel about the possibility of any of it. I’m not sure I want it to end, or it I don’t. At the end of the day, I’m left with these desires and the only possibility of them being filled is through intoxication. Ironically, I haven’t been intoxicated before so the likability of that working is still under probability, what if it doesn’t work? Till then. Everything just tends to want to come out but not in a way that makes sense to me. I don’t know if its fear or just something I’m not ready for.