I don’t fully understand the depths of his emptions, maybe there aren’t even any emotions to begin with. Maybe I am just overthinking his affections for emotions that aren’t truly there. I don’t know what to think anymore. He shows me affection, intimate affection. It’s in the way he looks at me when we are alone, or when he thinks I’m not looking. It’s the way he holds me so tenderly when we are alone like I’m a prized possession that he’s always in awe of. It’s the way his face lights up at the sight of me. It’s the way he always wants to see me. It’s in the way he’s always comfortable whenever I’m around him. Checking in by asking if I’m alright.
I am not blind to the fact that all these things may seems perfectly harmless and normal, but you aren’t there to witness it. I sometimes feel like he’s hiding his feelings from me for whatever reason. I don’t know what to think. Or maybe I shouldn’t even be thinking about it at all. Maybe I should just leave things as they are. It’s not like I was planning to change anything anyway. But I can’t help but wonder all the possible ‘what if’s’.
Then the thought that he is mostly affectionate when we are alone hits me. It feels like he just wants me as a little secret or he’s trying to decide if I’m what he truly wants. The things he says to me at those times are words of a lover to another. Those words confuse me. Then his kisses, touches and caresses show the hunger he has for me but there is always a hunger for intimacy in people’s eyes when they want someone, no matter how little of a time they want them or for whatever reason they want them. This may just be because he wants me then but not always. I may just be his release and after then the hunger is gone. There are certain things he says about me to me that I never thought he’d pay attention to. I can’t be sure of any of my assumptions because that’s all they are, a bunch of inconsequential assumptions that I cannot verify.
I know I’m important to him, he’s shown me sides of him that reveal vulnerability, but does that mean he trusts me enough or is it just a packed up persona to further confuse me, possibly manipulate me to be more accessible to him and his needs. It feels like too much effort for just one person, but it feels like just the right amount of effort to keep me right where he wants me. I know what you might be thinking, why don’t I just confront him? Because more could go wrong than right if I am misguided. If I am mistaken and he’s just being nice to me then it would just be awkward from then on. He may not act that way towards me, but I’d forever feel like a fool to misinterpret kindness for intimacy. He may even distance himself from me, making the whole situation a lot more humiliating. I also don’t want to ask questions when I am not even certain that I want more that what is, or if I truly have feelings or not. Even if we have been intimate before, it was consensual and approved in every way, it doesn’t mean it’s anything more than just a sexual innuendo. It’s not like I don’t want what already is, it’s just that I feel there might be something more and I want to be sure before I will myself to explore. Time is too precious to waste it on things that won’t lead to anywhere. Life is too short to live in regrets and what if’s.
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