I hate it when I want to write and every thought I had suddenly vanishes. Okay they have returned, now let’s get to it.
My mind has always been a constant rollercoaster of thoughts. Like how our hearts are constantly beating at all times so is my mind constantly thinking. Sometimes those thoughts align to one particular thing and other times its just chaos.
The words that I do not say often come to haunt me sometimes. I’m a very calm person and recently I’ve become more calm than usual. At this point of calmness, it can be said to be the calm before the storm because I feel this itch to explode. My state of calmness has made me very unresponsive to the point that even when I am provoked, I still don’t react. Logic seems to triumph over my emotions most of the time and even when I react it’s with logic and a calm manner. Sometimes my sense of humour feels broken cause less and less things amuse me. I’m always unbelievably calm even when that situation is chaotic, I feel the chaos for a brief moment before the calmness takes over. It’s as if I’ve gotten to the point in my life where nothing surprises or impresses me anymore. I’m just numb. I don’t know if I should be worried or not. There are multiple ways to look at this, so my concern is complicated. I could be worried that this is just a calm before a storm. I could be worried that I am losing my humanity and my apathy is taking over. I could be worried that I am slowly losing my emotions and I may soon stop feeling anything. I could be worried that this may affect my friendships and future romantic relationships.
Then I could be satisfied that I will not be able to make irrational outbursts or rely on false perceptions. I could be satisfied that in order for someone to actually invoke emotions in me then they should be in my life. I could be satisfied that I’ve seen enough not to tolerate and ignore people bullshit. I could be satisfied that my emotions have never been my thing and now I may lose them, and I can feel them less. I could be satisfied that my actions would never be on an emotional whim but after logical thoughts. I could be satisfied or worried but at the same time I’m not actually bothered because whatever happens I’m going to get through it better than ever. Life is all about changes, you can’t control it and you most definitely can’t stop it from happening. You might find a way to prolong/postpone it from happening or stop it from happening in a specific way, but it will most definitely happen whether you like it or not.
Let me know what you think, any opinions or comments you may have as well as my latest daily segment (DeliciousWords) will be on Instagram: @beautifully_psychotic_ and Twitter: @BeautifullyPsyc. I look forward to interacting with you. Or if you just want to talk I’m here to listen.