I don’t understand my feelings recently. I don’t even have the energy to feel. I know I’m numb, but everything just looks like broken glass. I’m fighting the need to feel sorry for myself but its getting really hard when things keep showing me my worthlessness. Everyone wants to fix me, but no one wants to understand what the problem actually is. I’ll admit that I myself don’t understand it either and that makes the problem a lot bigger. I can’t have what I want. I can’t figure out who I am, I’m lost with I want to be.
What would my life cost if I just gave it up? What is the purpose of spending your entire life building something that you’ll eventually have to leave behind, not because you want to but because you don’t have a choice. My words may probably sound too sad and deep and scary but so is life. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to be happy. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to be numb. I don’t want any fucking thing. I just want to be left alone. Why the fuck can’t I be left alone?! So many fucking questions but not enough fucking answers.
I don’t want to be sad because sadness is a temporal feeling that is laughable to the agony that I truly feel. I don’t want to be happy because happiness is a temporary as well and it would hurt when its gone. I don’t want to feel because the more things I feel the worse everything gets. You run from feeling and the chase you right back. I don’t want to feel because feelings are too much, and they lead to things that I’m either not ready for or just don’t want to deal with. I don’t want to be numb because it takes away the pleasures of life as well as being able to enjoy the things that matter. I don’t want anything because wants are insatiable and everything I’ve wanted always seems so impossible to get. I just want to be left alone because when I’m alone I can only hurt myself and no one else can hurt me.
It’s easy to condemn others because of how they choose to live their lives and how much it conflicts with your beliefs but what makes yours any better?