RAPE (OCT 14, 2022)
That word that has scared so many and has been misused by a lot. A word that has destroyed so many lives, a word that has been made to seem more dirtier than it actually is. A word that has been marked with shame, lies, scorn, trauma, pain, anxiety, fear, abuse, ironically laughter, and so many more.
Let’s clear the air by saying I’m not here to talk about my experience whether or not I have any. This is just me doing what I always do but it’s coming from a different place this time.
I was thinking that I would only dwell on the female perspective, but I’ll touch a little bit of the male because of one thing that actually brought me to this topic. Right now, I just finished watching a movie called ‘The Luckiest Girl Alive’. This movie brought more focus to my attention on the aftermath of rape. I recently also finished a series of books called ‘The Mindfuck Series’ by S. T. Abby. I’ve read books that had rape content in them, but it was very scarce, as it wasn’t the focus of the book it wasn’t as detailed. This series is not for the weak of heart so if you cannot stomach gruesome content then I don’t recommend, but if you can by all means go ahead and enjoy. It’s a really good book I can tell you that much. I hate spoiling things for people, so in as much as I’d love to go into depth detail of these books I unfortunately cannot, but I would do it if there is a mass interest in it. Sometimes I feel like I should create a TikTok for the books I’ve read but we’ll see. I’m derailing.
Lets get back to this very sensitive topic of ‘rape’. I believe we all know what rape is but I’d like to still reinform us in my own words. Rape is the act of unconsentual sex, it is the act of forcing, persuading, intoxicating someone into sexual intercourse. Let me give a clearer example; when someone is drugged then fucked, its rape. When someone is very drunk and either forced or persuaded to have sex, its rape. When the child is underage and clearly naïve which the other person is very much aware, it is rape. When the person is saying no but force/persuasion or any other means is used, it is rape. When the person is physically screaming, protesting and fighting back, it is rape. Just because the person is in a relationship, engaged or even married does not stop it being rape, it is very much still rape. Any sexual situation in which the other party/parties is/are not consenting to the sexual act, IT IS RAPE.
I think this has made the definition very clear, I feel there will still be more instances which I haven’t discussed but I might. Rape has and will always be a crime. There 3 things I’d like to discuss about the aftermath of a rape victim.
- Corruption.
- How the victim is treated.
- How the victim survives it.
So, the first thing I’d like to discuss is the punishment of the rapist. In a lot of cases due to fear, manipulation, prejudice, or shame, lots of rape victims have kept silent. The cost of that silence was kept and is still being kept rulers over their lives, some even got so consumed by the silence that they took their own lives. One of the issues with rape cases are the rapists. I’ve learnt that we can’t stop crime no matter how hard we try. One of the reasons why some rapists roam the streets without consequence is because of influence, either the influence they personally have because of their social status or the influence of their families. So, there are 3 things that could happen here; the first being the victim presses charges but the rapist either tries to make themselves the victim or the verdict reached by the court us very much unjust. Other cases would involve the victim being forced to silence by blackmail and threats or the victim is killed. In the cases where the rapist becomes a victim lots of things are involved. Evidence is swept under the rug or somehow found unfit to be presented in court. In the absence of evidence, the case is not even taken up by the courts to begin with because absence of evidence means there was no crime, although some countries are beginning to allow oral confessions as evidence so that’s good. The rapist then blames the victim for seduction and by some way of influence their narration of events is valued above the victim. They blame it on alcohol or even accuse the victim of lies because in the beginning the victim willingly went out with them or what not, but when the sex was brought up, they were no longer willing. I would like to say that even though the parties involved were having a consensual make-out session but the moment it went further than their comfort zone and the person said no, the sexual act is no longer consensual and as such IT IS RAPE. Now in this case of influence it has promoted silence, so even before the concept of a courtroom is thought of the victim is already silent because they know their case will not be taken to justice. The unwillingness of the victim to speak outabout the incident. Does the victim have the courage to speak? Is it safe if the person does speak? Will there be consequences for the victim if they speak?
The second thing I’d like to discuss is the way the victim is treated after the violation of that person’s body is committed no other person but the victim knows what they went through in that situation. It doesn’t matter if you were told, you watched a video of the experience, or you were even there when it happened, you will never understand nor know how the victim feels. The only other person that can possibly relate is another victim but even at that it’s not 100%, because everyone is different, so they feel and deal with their feelings and experiences differently, as well as the experiences and situation being completely different. Now, when I say ‘how a victim is treated’ I mean how others treat the victim when they hear that the person was raped. Let’s start with the family, there are 2 options of how it’s going to go down, the victim will either be supported or casted aside and even within these 2 it’s never that simple. One reaction of the family when it comes to rejection would either be to kick the victim out and completely disown them, or to reject them privately but support them publicly. In this instance the victim’s family would fight tooth and nail for them in the public eye but the moment they get home the victim knows that they are no longer part of that family. A few things may happen, the family accuses the victim of shaming the family name and not knowing how to act, in essence accusing the victim of acting in a way that caused the rape. Such statements like; ‘what were you wearing?’ ‘you probably wanted it and when it wasn’t good you called you rape!’ ‘that’s what you get for not listening’ ‘if you only knew how to keep your legs closed’ ‘what were you even doing there or with that person?’ begin to show up. The victim is belittled and made to believe that they are the cause of their own misfortune.
Another scenario is when the family silences the victim themselves. They send them abroad without seeking justice or they make it seem like the victim is being hysterical and dramatic especially in the case of marriage and engagement. They try to convince the victim that it couldn’t be rape because of the relationship that exists between the victim and the rapist or they belittle the situation and make the victim look like the person who is wrong in the situation. They make it seem like its the victim’s fault and if they had just done as instructed it would have worked out fine. We all know that’s not the case, but they try to make the victim believe that it is, all to save the image of the family. Just a reminder that no relationship is supposed to harm you physically so leave now before it kills you cause it most definitely will. In the case of support on one hand they could fully support the victim and provide the much needed family care as well as treatments to help the victim get better, on the other hand it could be internal prosecution and external support as I earlier said but in this light they don’t outright say or do things that make the victim know there is a rift in their relationship but they mannerisms and actions shows a difference of estrangement that lets the victim know that all is not well.
The society itself has made such a stigma of rape that no one wants to ever be labelled a rape victim, so they are silent when they are raped. This brings me to my last point which is ‘the victim’s survival’. To most and those who haven’t experienced rape they believe that coming out of that experience alive means they survived the rape. You have no idea how wrong you are. I will not belittle the survival of coming out of that situation alive because it’s a very traumatic experience to survive. I’m only asking, ‘have you ever thought about the life of the victim after the rape?’. It’s one thing for the day of the experience to be over, but it’s another thing to keep reliving that experience over and over and over again. When I speak of the silence of the victim, I don’t just mean the inability to speak up about the rape but most of all to speak of the trauma that will never go away because of it. The reason I say ‘never’ is because even if you heal there would always be a scar to remind you of that trauma. Scars don’t go away and neither does the pain it only reduces. They learn to learn to live with that happened, but they don’t let it haunt or control their lives anymore. The memories may pop up, but it doesn’t hurt as much. The silence of not speaking up will haunt them but the silence of not healing themselves will kill them. Society has made the prospect of being a rape victim as thing of shame and scorn, forgetting that the victim is simply a victim and did not choose to be raped because no one ever chooses to be raped, and such experience can happen to anyone and everyone. The victim should not be treated like an outcast or be belittled, insulted, cast out from society because of the actions of someone with no sexual control. Society should also stop making bloody excuses for these rapist monsters especially if they are male. Society should stop making the victim look like the offender. Society should stop letting wealth and influence be the reason a rapist walks the street like they own it. Society should stop making laws that only make victims while making criminals untouchable. And who is society? Every single one of us. It hurts as a lot when I watch, hear and see such things. No one talks about how many times the victims’ showers in a day to not feel filthy but still feel dirty. No one talks about the fear that the victim constantly has to deal with whenever they are alone and even surrounded by people. No one talks about how it feels to continue to live in a house that the victim was raped in because they don’t have the finances to leave, or some other reason is holding back. No one talks about the victim having to visit the scene of the crime especially if its somewhere they cannot avoid. No one talks about the victims’ nightmares. No one talks about the trauma and the psychological effects of that experience, because in as much as people mask the pain it doesn’t mean its not there. No one talks about the endless tear-filled days and nights. No one talks about the isolated feeling. No one talks about the constant feeling of being unsafe no matter where they are or who they are with. No one talks about the constant fear of it happening again, because in as much as we know rape is a scary thing only a victim of it knows what it’s truly like and their level of fear is higher than those who have never experienced it. No one talks about the feelings of worthlessness. No one talks about the constant paranoia. No one talks about the deep feeling of loneliness. No one talks about the depression. No one talks about the flashbacks. No one talks about how the victim lives knowing their rapist/rapists is alive and free either coming back for them or hurting someone else. No one talks about the suicidal thoughts, the thoughts of if this life is worth living and if they should have died that day. No one talks about the thought of if it would have been better if they died that day rather than continue to live like this. No one has these conversations and that it why silence kills.
I encourage us all to be more considerate to others and be mindful of what you say. I recommend the movie, ‘The Luckiest Girl Alive’ and the book series ‘The Mindfuck Series’ by S. T. Abby. Do not read the book if you are not ready for gruesome details or are not 18+. The books and movie are completely unrelated to each other, but they are very much related to this topic. I would also like to encourage every rape victim out there to seek help. Whether or not your rapist is dead or prosecuted or free, seek help for your own personal well-being. They hurt you once, don’t let them keep hurting you. I also advice in having a support group/system to help as well as getting the medical and psychological help that you need. Do not let the silence kill you.
I’d like to close by explaining something. I’m sure some people might find it offensive that I used the term ‘victim’ instead of ‘survivor’ and I’ll explain. I say victim because they are victims, I would say survivor, but I think my last point kind of explained the survivor thing. In my perspective based on my own trauma, it’s not a rape experience. I consider a survivor a person who not only survived the experience but the trauma that comes with it. I do not consider myself a survivor until I can speak of that event without tears clouding my eyes. They don’t fall though, but they are there and a show of the existence of an unhealed wound. So, until the day I speak with no tears I am still a victim trying my best to heal or avoiding the memory as I am now.
Let me know what you think, any opinions or comments you may have as well as my latest daily segment (DeliciousWords) will be on Instagram: @beautifully_psychotic_ and Twitter: @BeautifullyPsyc. I look forward to interacting with you. Or if you just want to talk I’m here to listen.