What the fuck am I doing? What the fuck am I actually doing??
I’ve had this thought going through my head over and over again. ‘I’m doing it for the plot’ ‘I need some spice in my life’ ‘let me just indulge this one time’ but at this point I’m not seeing the point. Then again there wasn’t a meaningful point to this to begin with.
I’m not even going to blame maturity or self-worth for this realization because I’ve been thinking these thoughts over the years at different times, but the overall consensus is daunting.
I won’t go on and lie and say that I don’t want a man. I won’t deceive myself with the thought that I don’t want someone that genuinely loves me and only me. I want all the cuteness and sexiness with my own person that knows my favourite food and how to make me laugh, and also how to touch and please me. I want all of that and more, but for now I need someone that understands my needs.
A fuck buddy with a working brain. I’ll say friends with benefits is better because he can also be able to dick me down and still have a conversation after, be a friend.
I guarantee you I’m willing to enjoy this arrangement till the love of my life comes around. It would be mutually beneficial to both parties. I scratch his back, he scratches mine. We both lay down the ground rules for the arrangement, iron out any disagreements and make it an option to renegotiate if either one of us becomes uncomfortable with the arrangement. Obviously, the moment either of us gets into a serious relationship the relationship is off, and no fucking other people during the arrangement either.
Like I don’t think that’s too much too fucking ask. But its either these men are too fucking slow, can’t have or comprehend a conversation, or they are just down to fuck and fuck alone. They can’t be a friends so what the fuck am I doing with them. Its not just about sex for me, its about mutual respect.
Theres a difference between a booty call you just call to fuck. Or a causal fuck that you guys meet, connect then decide to fuck and possibly keep fucking each other. I want the foundation of friendship, that makes the situation easier especially when communicating certain wants and needs.
I don’t want a situation where I’d be thinking about things and not be able to communicate them because ‘we aren’t serious’ or he can’t have a fucking conversation. I might not want to fuck that day, what if I just want someone to hold me. It’s hard to do that with someone who once you text or call them its straight up demon time.
I’m not asking for much but maybe the little I’m asking for is too much for these small-minded people.