How do I tell my heart to stop beating so fast when you’re near? How do I tell my skin not to crave your touch? How do I tell my mind to stop bring up thoughts of you? How do I look at the places we loved to the same way? How do I stop the reoccurring flashbacks? How do I stop the need for your touch? How do I chase away the dreams of you? How do I stop them? How do I wash away everything from my memory like it never happened?
But it did happen. It happened for many days and many nights, many hours, minutes and seconds. And now I’m just supposed to wash all that away? I’m supposed to look at you and feel nothing? I’m supposed to think of you and feel nothing? Is that how this is supposed to go? How exactly do I do that?
Even if I were to continue to push how we ended to the forefront of my mind, it’s still not enough! It’s not enough to leave the environment that we both existed. Its not enough to move to a different city or country or even planet! Nowhere is far enough from you, because even if I physically leave you, my mind will forever be trapped in the memories of us. Even if I move out, get rid of everything that remotely reminds me of you, stopped going to the places that we used to, it still wouldn’t be enough.
I think the only solution would be to wipe my memory and even though that were to happen I’m pretty sure there’d always be a hole in my heart that’s the size of you, tormenting me with the feeling of longing and something missing. I’d constantly be plagued with the feeling of loss and not knowing its source. What would happen if I see you in that state of loss? Would my heart immediately remember you? Or would I just have a feeling of familiarity and nothing more? Or would I not even feel anything at all?
Changing everything won’t stop me from wondering if you’d take your new love to the places we used to go to. It won’t stop me from thinking of you moving on without me to someone new. It won’t stop me from wondering if they are more attractive than me or treat you better than I could? And do you treat them better than you treated me? It can’t stop me from wondering if you’re happier with them than you were with me. It can’t stop the jealousy that someone else gets to experience you the way I have.
The loss is not just of you but its about us and everything that surrounded us. Its more than just you leaving, its everything we experienced together. How can I go to those places and not be haunted? I cant live like this. What is this?
You have to move on. You’ll get over it eventually. Healing takes time. Do the things you love. Focus on yourself.
Advice after advice after advice, that doesn’t make any of this shit any easier. Doesn’t make the feeling or memories fade away any faster. How am I supposed to forgive you, forgive myself and forgive us?