This is when you unconsciously or consciously act against your own goals, creating obstacles through behaviors like procrastination, perfectionism, self-medication or negative self-talk, often rooted in fear of failure, low self-esteem, or past trauma, and it can be overcome by increasing self-awareness and addressing underlying beliefs.
Felt the need to define the word, according to Google so it’s clear enough to be understood.
I’ve been thinking, I think at this point I’m overthinking because I’ve been left with my thoughts unattended. I don’t know if I’m wrong or right in my conclusions. I don’t even think there is a correct conclusion, two truths can exist.
I have begun to think I may be self-sabotaging my current courtship. I believe it and I don’t believe it at the same time. I’ll starts with why I believe it.
I have noticed myself get irritated very easily. I’m quick to feel neglected, anger, frustration and irritation. They are valid feelings that come from actions but it’s the way I’m handling them that I’m not quite pleased with. I have become irrational. I lash out at things that hurt me and I’m having a more difficult time letting go when I feel mistreated. So, in height of me not being able to control my feelings as adequately as I’d like, I have become very out of character.
In the grand scheme of things, I am within my rights and arguably am acting very much level-headed compared to what most would do but its still a lot compared to my regular programming. And as such it has left feeling like I’m doing things out of character.
In my eyes I see my actions as a defence mechanism. I feel like my feelings are being taken advantage of and my brain is trying to protect me by destroying the source of discomfort. I’m ruining my courtship so it doesn’t get to the point that it can ruin me. I think that’s what I’m doing. At another angle I’m just hurt and acting within my hurt.
I don’t believe I’m self-sabotaging because I’m not making a mountain out of a molehill or just causing unnecessary drama. The person is actively doing things that contradict the actions of someone that loves the other.
You say you love me, yet you act like you don’t.
I don’t like contradictions. I don’t like when you say something and do something else. I don’t like when you make promises and you don’t keep them. I don’t like when you say you’d do better and you don’t. I don’t like that you introduced me to a certain energy and switch up on me. It’s not fair that I’m the only one getting affected because I know I’m still the same.
I guess that’s the problem. You are showing me love in the way that you know how, but it doesn’t look like a love to me because that’s not how I receive and translate love to be. I don’t even know how to feel or what to say. One part of my mind thinks you don’t care. Another thinks you don’t realize you’re hurting me because in your eyes it doesn’t look like that. Another part of me thinks it should be obvious when you’re hurting someone you say you love.
You hear me but you’re not listening. Love isn’t supposed to be this confusing. Or maybe I’m not trying hard enough?
I can see myself from different angles and I can reason with each version of myself, but the fact remains, you are hurting me. I might be self-sabotaging this or I might not, but your actions aren’t good regardless and I wouldn’t be self-sabotaging if you weren’t actively doing things that make me question you.
I’m not perfect but I’m trying to make this work. If I’m doing something that’s hurting you say it. Because I’m really trying to understand but nothing is making sense. I just want to know what’s wrong. If there is and tell me so we can work this out. If you don’t want this anymore that’s fine too, just let me know. I rather know what’s going on then be left in confusion.