I have thought about it, asked about it, felt it and experienced it enough to know that I am worthless. I am a useless piece of furniture that constantly gets repossessed but never retained. It can be said to be a good thing to always be wanted but what’s the point if you are never kept. Just to be used time and time again and discarded like nothing. Its easier to blame the person or situation but when you are the only common denominator in every equation, you begin to question if you are the problem. Being wanted for a purpose and disposed right after is different from being promised forever and being abandoned just because.
At the same time I am not allowed to feel this way because few stayed. I appreciate the few and I’ll try to do right by them but even they sometimes make me question myself. Its not like they intentionally do things to hurt me but indirectly those things make me feel less of a person. Then the majority that leave without any explanation or fall out begin to chip at the self-worth that is already so delicate to the touch. Am I the problem? Why me? What did I do? Again? You said this was forever! Am I just a game? Am I just a disposable entity? Am I unlovable? Am I that bad? Why does this keep happening to me? Am I useless? Am I worthless?
It’s hard to keep moving on when these things keep throwing you down. I am worthless. I deserve everything that I have gotten. I know its going to happen again and there is nothing I can do about it. I let someone in, and they do the same thing. I try to be a good person, to do the best I can but it’s never enough. I am never enough. Maybe I should become the worst version of myself so people would stay the hell away from me. That is exhausting though. Changing my entire personality. Won’t that just prove that I am the problem even if I know that I am? You never really understand how lonely you are until you are truly alone. It could be at nigh alone in bed or in a public place surrounded by people.
I don’t even need convincing that I am anything but a worthless piece of shit. I know what I am. I understand what I am seen to be and I am no longer questioning it. I won’t complain or cry about it because what’s the point. I’ll only get hurt again so might as well prepare for the next punch in the gut. Prepare for the empty words and nonexistent actions. Prepare to pretend that I believe their words. Prepare to enjoy the moment. Prepare to watch it all crumble before me. Prepare for the departure without any explanation. Because why would they explain themselves when they’ve gotten what they wanted or just got bored with their old toy.
Another day to live life as a worthless entity that shouldn’t have ever existed in the first place. Maybe my existence is for the benefit of others. Maybe a worthless bunch of atoms doesn’t even have a function. It was just created with the spare parts so they wouldn’t go to waste.
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