Do you know what it feels like to be kept in bondage? To be trapped and help as a prisoner? Not because you did something wrong but because your female. Your kidnapped at a tender age and prosecuted. You are damaged beyond repair because of your innocence and naivety. You are beaten, battered, bruised, raped, insulted, belittled, and treated like nothing else but property. You cry, shout, scream, plead, beg and pray but no one hears you. You are no longer your own person, but maybe you never were. You were kidnapped as a kid after all.
I’ve forgotten how to feel. Am I still human? After everything that they have done to me do I still have the right to be called a person. The pain that I went through in all those years with all those men will forever be a part of me. Imagine that I actually considered all those things as life, as who I was and am. I never thought that I deserved all that but it turned actually ‘normal’ for me. I considered everything that they did to me as ‘normal’. It’s unbelievable isn’t it, but its true and I’m quite sure I’m not the only person that considered it as such.
Now that I am free of that bondage it feels abstract and weird. It’s so new to me. I don’t know how to live. I can’t even look myself in the mirror anymore without seeing all that they did to me. All the bruises from every beating. Those beatings were just to mold us to be obedient, and every struggle or resistance was rewarded with a more severe beatings or something much, much worse.I can even look at the opposite gender the same way cause all I see are people that are out there to destroy me, to punish and torture me. I can’t leave my house or talk to anyone. I have withdrawn myself from every single human around me.
No amount of therapy can save me.
And I don’t think anything will.
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