ME (19th NOVEMBER 2023)
He said I was the rainbow in his life. I was colourful and filled with so much vibrance that he never wanted our time to end, but all things must come to an end. Everyday my sparkle was too enchanting to be ignored so the attention of his was never wavering. Then one day the rainbow wasn’t there. It was replaced by a dark cloud that showed nothing but gloom. He was nowhere in sight. He came out to see the rainbow, but it wasn’t there, so he left. He waited a little while, he cheered for the rainbow, but it didn’t show up. The sky was filled with darkness. He couldn’t understand it. This wasn’t what he wanted so he left.
Maybe he went to another rainbow or maybe he just realized that I’m a person too and I don’t shine every day. He wasn’t ready for my darkness, not sure if he ever will be but he left and that’s enough to show me that this isn’t what I hoped it would be. Again, I am abandoned but this time it’s because I was human. I had the audacity to have emotions and even bigger audacity to show them. It was too much, I guess. I’m always too much, even when I’m not even giving up to half of me. I thought so many things but as usual I was reminded of who I am, I’m ‘for the time being’. I also realized that I am left because I am human. When the party is over there is no need for the ‘life of the party’ anymore.
I am called only when necessary. Only for the vibes never for the actual life experiences. If the vibe is not vibing then I am not needed. Recently I’ve been floating through life like a planet just orbiting through space with no direction, path or destination. Just movement. I’m not even going to complain about it either. I’m still numb so I don’t know if I like it or not. So, my depression took a break from me but now she’s back. Its winter also her favourite season is here so she’s elated. An update should be given so let’s try and do that. In January I was at the worst state of my mental health and academic journey, and I decided to take a break from everything.
I didn’t kill myself obviously., but I did something unconventional. As an international student in Canada, you are allowed an academic leave. This means that you can basically drop out or stop school for the semester. There are rules and steps to follow through. I’ll just say it from my experience because it might be different in other schools and countries. So, I had to meet with the financial department to know if my tuition would be refunded to me because the financial deadline was coming, and I figured I had to officially apply for the academic leave before that date or my tuition wouldn’t be refunded. I spoke to the school immigration official, and she told me what to do and everything.
I had to fill some forms and drop all but one of my courses. The last course would be dropped automatically by the school when my request for academic leave has been granted and my tuition would be refunded to my student account. Doing this the official way is advised so you don’t have issues with the immigration in the future. After all the official work was done, I told my dad to book my ticket and 2 weeks later I went home. I went home in February and came back in May. During that holiday I found out that I was anemic, that explained so much. So I was taking care of my health for the most part, basically my mom was taking care of me. She got me a therapist as well but only met her a few times. Taking the break was the best decision I ever made. So, if you feel you need a break, take it. I forgot to mention, you only have 60 days to stay in the country and you can’t stay and work without going to school.
This only applies to international students though or those that are here on a study permit. There were a lot of things going on between last year ending and January that made me take the decision I took. I was physically and mentally not doing well. Physically I had headaches, insomnia, dizziness, light-headedness, fatigue, basically anemic symptoms. Couldn’t climb stairs without feeling out of breath. Couldn’t stand for long. Couldn’t walk long distances without feeling lightheaded and out of breath. Random heart palpitations. Basically, my blood levels were so low that they were surprised I was still alive. I almost got a transfutuion but that didn’t happen.
Mentally I was shit. It’s kind of funny cause I don’t remember a time where my mental health has been 100%, its basically from bad to worse to bearable and the cycle continues. But this time it was straight up horrible; my insomnia was alarming. My sleep pattern has always been questionable, but this was just ridiculous. I was sleeping sometimes when the sun was rising or not at all or by 3am/4am. It’s not like I slept for a long time when I eventually fell asleep. I’ve always found it hard to sleep and even harder to stay asleep but this time it was just ridiculous. I’d try at 12am and check the time after some time and see that its 1;30am eventually I’d start actually feeling sleepy ar 3am. Mind you I’m not using my phone or staring at the ceiling, my eyes are closed and I’m actively trying to sleep for hours on end. So now I don’t try to sleep unless my eyes are actually sleepy, even then they might still act like bitches. Ironically with the little sleep I was getting I could still function normally.
The problem was when I woke up. I wasn’t sleepy, and even if I was tired it wasn’t that serious. The main issue was that I couldn’t get out of bed. I’d stay there with no motivation to leave my bed or got to school. One time I actually made it to the shower before the depression won and I went back to bed. For one whole week I didn’t attend a single class. Last year it happened but I attended one class, that was the only class I never missed. January it was crazy. By that time, I had missed the first test and assignment of a major course for my program, and I was about to miss the second test. I couldn’t care less. It’s like some part of me was obviously concerned but most part I just couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t leave my bed or go to classes. I couldn’t concentrate.
One day last year I had a paper to submit, and it took me 2 hours to write the first sentence. Not because I was distracted or using my phone but because I couldn’t focus or think. I stared at my laptop screen for hours and my brain wasn’t just comprehending. I ended up writing the paper but the amount of effort it took for me to do it was insane. At that point I knew I was spiralling but I wasn’t ready to do anything about it and the semester was almost over, so I had to pull through. Then everything got worse in January, and I realized if I kept on, I would fail like a bastard. So, I made the decision that was best for me and I left.
Lots of people might find it hard to believe but I don’t know how to express my inner feelings to people. I didn’t even have friends to talk to, I still don’t have any, not like I would have told them anyway. I do have my main bitch though. I appreciate her even though my brain doesn’t know how to express it. I’ll update you on what happened between May to September another time. So last night, depression hit me so hard. I felt so terrible. I slept by like 3:40-4am and woke up by 9. Haven’t slept since and its 5pm, wonder when I’ll sleep today cause I still woke up depressed as shit. I decided to do something different and tell someone I felt like shit but ending being too much. In the sense that I felt I shouldn’t have said anything plus the response wasn’t encouraging. The way the conversation ended made me feel worse and I realised I’m only wanted for the vibe and when the vibe isn’t there I’m not needed. Hence the beginning of this entry. It wasn’t my main bitch I talked to, just someone I’m getting to know on a personal level. It is what it is anyways. I know who I am, so I’m not surprised, I just didn’t like how the situation happened and how it made me feel.
No one ever wants to be around sad people, but they hardly ever care or appreciate or are there for the happy ones.
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