There is a point in life when you realize who you are. There are no doubt and no misconceptions. I have gotten to that point. I know who I am. I am the good thing people get before better comes. I am the steppingstone to them realizing themselves. I am not their ‘forever’ but their ‘for the time being’. I am the one that they use to learn thing about themselves then move on to the next. I am the one that teaches them things that they didn’t know about themselves, both good and bad. They walk into my life with the sense of forever, trying to make me believe that they are truly going to stay but they never do, and I know better. I never believe them.
Whether or not they meant what they said doesn’t matter to me anymore. I’m always left in the end. I talk a lot about the temporality of everyone and everything but that doesn’t mean I like it. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when they leave. That doesn’t mean I don’t spend time questioning myself and if I did anything wrong. it doesn’t mean that when I eventually figure out that I didn’t do anything to cause them to leave that they left because they simply wanted to, it doesn’t hurt. It does hurt. It hurts when I wake up and realize that this person that said they would always be there isn’t. It’s a very shitty place to be.
It sickening to know that I’m not the problem. So why do they leave? Why do they promise forever and still walk away? I didn’t fucking ask you to come in the first fucking place! I didn’t ask you to make those promises to me! I didn’t ask you to build a relationship with me! I’m not talking about just romantic relationships by the way. I’m talking about all types of relationships. No matter how much I am prepared for the end of those relationships, because I know they will end, the reality is far more displeasurable. It has gotten to the point that I don’t even hurt anymore. I’m just numb. I don’t feel anything. I haven’t felt much of anything in a while now.
I’m not mad about it. I appreciate it. I can’t keep hurting over and over again. Their comes a point when you just get tired of it. It’s too much. You know why it’s even more shitty, because I put my guard down. Not completely though, never completely. I showed you a part of me that few people are privy to. I made sacrifices, I was there for you whenever you asked. I put you before myself a lot of times, but at the end of the day it didn’t matter right? I’m never enough. Nothing I do is ever enough. I am just a phase. I am just someone you can easily forget. I am just the past, never the present or future.
I know who I am. I have accepted who I am. I won’t be deceived by anyone else again. I know that I didn’t deserve this amount of abandonment, but I’ll live. None of you can hurt me anymore anyways. You were a phase as well as I was. It’s time to move on. Just like you did. I’ve already detached myself from the situation the moment I saw the signs. I let it linger because I wanted to be 100% sure but now I am. I won’t block, unadd or unfollow. You decided to leave so you can have the honours. I’ll follow suit when I care to remember your existence. As for the memories and pictures, I’ll delete those when I’m ready. I have over 14,000 pictures to care about yours.
I used to think I was unlovable until my last relationship. He showed me a different part of myself that I never knew existed. If there is one thing, I’d say I’m thankful for about him is that he showed me that I’m not a loveless person. I know how to love. I’m a lover girl and I won’t ever change. I’m just careful to who I give my love to these days. I love love, sue me. He was good while it lasted. Contrary to what you may think, he didn’t break up with me. I left when it became clear that he didn’t love me anymore. Worst pain I’ve ever felt. I was broken for a few months before I finally was ready to leave. I think I’ll tell this story sometime.
Maybe I’m not supposed to be a permanent part of anyone’s life. Or maybe I haven’t met my permanent people yet. Or temporary is the only thing I’m good for. I’m not dead yet so we’ll see. I might just get a chance to let you know before I’m gone. Or I might not, who knows? Maybe just maybe. I guess only time will tell, and probably me if I get to. Have the day you think you deserve. I know who I am, do you?
You know what? Fuck every damn bloody thing I said. I’m always one to make everything a case of logic. I try to look at things logically and make sense of things but not this time. I just have dump luck when it comes to people and end up with the short end of the fucking stick. I probably have some fucking dildo on my gawd damn head fucking attracting dicks where the fuck I go. Because I no longer understand why the fuck I keep picking the worse set of people. Selfish, immature, stupid, manipulative assholes that don’t fucking deserve to be in my space. I was honestly just being lazy but this weekend I’m definitely deleting every single picture from damn phone. I’m pretty sure I’ll have deleted them before this post is uploaded so I’ll give an update. I’m fucking done. I did nothing fucking wrong! And if you think I bloody did then you should grow some balls enough to talk to me about it dumb bunch of idiotic foolish assholes. I’m supposed to be mad and hurt right now but I just feel numb. My mind is a strange place.
UPDATE! I deleted everything. And I don’t want you to disregard everything I said earlier. I just wanted to say that not everything has a logical explanation and some people a just assholes. Unfortunately, I have a magnet for attracting them so it is what it is. I’ll be okay, and so will you. Dust yourself off and move on because no matter what happens life will go on. Just do it at your own pace.
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