When I said if you’d leave me, I’d die, it’s because I actually thought that I would, and when you let me, I actually did. Not in the physical representation of death but in the sense that a part of me died with you and the pain of losing you felt like dying. It was the worst pain I ever felt, and it felt like the closest I’ve ever been to death. I cried a thousand tears and more. I couldn’t believe it at first, I was stuck in this phase of denial where I thought this was just some long-term prank and you’d come back to me and tell me how much you love and miss me, but that never happened. I waited and waited from seconds, to minutes, to hours, to days, up to weeks. But that day never came.
You never came back to tell me the truth, at least what I believed the truth to be. I started to think something had happened to you. I created scenario after scenario, one worse than the other to justify why you hadn’t come back to me. You loved me! So why weren’t you here with me? Why did you leave me? I couldn’t believe you could do that to me after everything we built and sacrificed for this relationship. I was so confused as to why you no longer answered my calls or texts. All of a sudden, they stopped going through. I could no longer find you on any social media.
I genuinely believed my greatest fears had come through and something horrific had happened to you. I couldn’t leave my house to even go find you because of the way you left. I felt so broken, so lost I badly needed you to come back and save me from myself, but you never did. I watched and rewatched every single memory of you on all my devices until it was too painful to see, but even then, I didn’t stop. I couldn’t. I missed you too much. I reread all our texts looking for a hint that this was a joke, constantly telling myself that you would come back because you loved me.
I’ve never felt so low in my life. The worst part of it all was that I had no one to call. I had no friends, no social life. You were all I had, my entire world revolved around you, and you knew that. Maybe that’s why you left, its too much pressure isn’t it? Having that amount of power especially over a person could make you do stupid things though, wouldn’t it? WOULDN’T IT? Bloody answer me because I can’t think of an answer. I think I should have been a little bit smarter, but I wasn’t. I had you and nothing else mattered.
And at that point where I was alone with no one to call I saw how insignificant I was. There was no one I could call to let me know why you left or where you were. No one to at least put my worry to rest with the assurance that you were alive even if they wouldn’t tell me where you were, either because they didn’t know, or you didn’t want to see me. I was willing to wait for you. I didn’t have friends of my own to even comfort me, that was how much I relied on you. My family wasn’t an option, at least not yet. You never let me interact with your friends and I never bothered or questioned it because I was socially awkward.
They always wondered why you were with me, but you always defended out love. ‘Our love’, sucks to say it again. Eventually things got so bad that I couldn’t even be bothered anymore. After countless amounts of unanswered calls and text messages my heart closed up as my brain shut down. I couldn’t do anything or go anywhere. Every device died; I received calls from family but when I saw it wasn’t you, I didn’t bother to answer. I stayed on the couch and never moved unless to the bathroom.
Eventually I didn’t need the bathroom trips anymore because I had finished all the alcohol at home, and I no longer consumed food. I turned into a living breathing piece of furniture. Some days I cried most of the time but then the tears went with the bathroom trips. Guess there was no more water for my body to lose anymore. For the life of me I don’t know how long I stayed there but eventually I woke up in a hospital with my mother seated by my bed holding my hand. I have no recollection of ever falling asleep, but it appears I lost consciousness during the process.
Because I had no friends to check up on me after I went AWOL and multiple unanswered calls and texts from my family, they got worried and came to check if I was okay. I wasn’t but at least I was alive right. Barely alive according to the doctors. Luckily, they had a key, so my family found me, and I’ve been in the hospital since then. They said I’ve been here a couple days, but I couldn’t careless. The only person I wanted to see wasn’t there and never came. Doctors obviously tried to ask me multiple questions, but I refused to speak eventually they got the gist of my silence and resulted to yes or no questions which I indulged. One finger for ‘no’, two fingers for ‘yes’.
Eventually they got as much information as they could get. That was the only time I engaged in communication throughout my stay there. I didn’t speak to my family either. I still was refusing to eat for the first couple of days more so because I had no appetite and I no longer wanted to live than anything else. Down the line I came around to food and ate and took my medication, I still never spoke. I just didn’t want to, I had absolutely nothing to say. After 2 weeks I was allowed to go home. My parents took me to their house where I spent several months.
I didn’t speak for the first few months, then I started leaving little notes around the house, but I never indulged in actual conversations. My parents were patient with me till I finally decided to speak and boy where they overjoyed. I told them how you left me. I told them how much pain I’d been in. I told them how I though maybe you had something to do with them coming to my aid, but you didn’t. I told them how worried I still was about you that you might have been in a worse situation than I was with no one to help you. My parents listened and convinced me to get better. I couldn’t be unwell and search for you, could I?
Months passed and I was back to full health. I decided to go back to my apartment and get some stuff that would help me find you. All my gadgets have been here since my parents didn’t take anything when they rushed me to the hospital. From the hospital to my parents’ house, feels weird to be back in my own space but I’ll get used to it. I clean up the place and eat the food I brought from home for the next 2 days. When the whole apartment is clean, I decide to go grocery shopping the next day. The next day I shop for toiletries alone. About a week in and I’m getting into the swing of things then decide to go buy papers for my printer.
On my way back I decided to follow a different route to a little bakery around the corner. I buy my favourite cupcake and a cup of tea and enjoy the little snack before I head back home. While I’m walking, I see you. I’m so shocked I freeze and stare. You are holding hands with someone, talking and giggling, then our eyes meet, and you freeze too. We are trapped in that gaze for a moment before the person steals your attention the way the person stole you from me. In that moment my entire world crumbles and all my hope vanishes. When the person kisses you, I lose my mind. I run. I run to my apartment, drop the papers, get my keys and drive to my parents’ house.
I know if I spent one more moment in my apartment, I would end up back in the hospital or worse dead. So, I went to the only people who ever cared about me, my family. The moment I get there I cry. I cry for days on end, and they comfort me. My worry was over. My denial was abolished. My confusion erased, my questions were answered, at least some of them were. Especially the most important one ‘are you alive?’ and you are. Living, breathing and loving someone else. Now, I was angry. Angry at you for loving me, for taking care of me, for making me believe that you would never me. I was hurt.
Hurt that you chose to leave me alone. Hurt that you could love someone else. Hurt that I wasn’t good enough to be loved forever. Hurt that whatever you found in that person you couldn’t find in me. Hurt that I trusted you way too much. Hurt that I was the only one left heartbroken. Hurt that I spent almost 3 years inconstant pain because of you. There is so much pain, heartbreak and questions that I’d never get answers to nor understand. What did I do wrong? Why did you leave me? I can ask myself these questions over and over again, but I know I’m never going to get an answer. I’m done grieving you though. Three years is enough.
My tears for you have reached their limit and I’m done. You and I are over. I finally understand that now. I acknowledge the fact that you are never coming back for me. I have accepted that this relationship is over. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. I still love you unconditionally and would probably take you back if you showed up at my front door right now and apologized. But we both know you won’t do that. You have someone you love now and its not me. I’m even questioning if you ever loved me, maybe you did. Or not. I will move on from this though. This is not my end. My life did not start with you so neither will it end because of you. Thank you for the memories they will forever be with me. I know you are no longer mine, but neither am I yours. It’s time to pick up the pieces of my broken heart because I will love again but not today, probably not tomorrow either but someday. I have a family that loves me so I know I’ll be okay.
I was thinking of writing a part 2, what do you think?
‘Let me know what you think, any opinions or comments you may have as well as my latest daily segment (DeliciousWords) will be on Instagram: @beautifully_psychotic_ and Twitter: @BeautifullyPsyc. I look forward to interacting with you. Or if you just want to talk I’m here to listen.’