I lay here in a puddle of my own blood watching the time go by and the life drain out of me. I did this to myself though. It wasn’t like I was attacked and left to die. I picked up that brand new knife that I bought just for this occasion, after much thought and decided that this is what I wanted. It’s not like I woke up one day and decided to take my own life, I’m too meticulous for that spontaneousness. This decision took months of consideration and thought. I have looked at my life through different lenses and have come to the decision that the best course of action is to end it all. Funny how the first thing people would think when they hear that someone has committed suicide is how selfish they are being and how their loved ones must feel. The last thing on their mind is how the victim felt and what pushed them to make such a huge decision. Because you don’t decide to take your own life on a whim. It’s a very tough and serious decision that is often caused by an extreme amount of grief and worthlessness. I have tried everything I possibly could to get myself out of those feelings, but nothing has helped. I even went to therapy for a while, but I stopped going when I felt better, thinking the worst over. Only for me to wake up a few weeks later and I was back to where I began. I couldn’t go back to my therapist though. How would I walk back into that office and start over, say that I failed, and all our efforts were in vain. That would have been too embarrassing and goddammit I couldn’t put my pride through that heavy blow. Yeah, yeah think whatever you want but its my life so shut it.
I honestly thought that I would at least feel something in my last moments alive but so far all I can feel is the numbness that has clouded my brain for those last few years of my life. I want to be angry but angry at what though? I should at least feel a little bit of sadness as I watch my life slip away and the blood leave my body, turning from a puddle to a pool of blood but nope, I feel absolutely nothing. It feels like time has slowed just for this special occasion. Probably giving me time to call the emergency services to save me or at least find my body so it doesn’t rot here by the time someone else finds me. Or maybe its giving me time to truly think about my life and die with happy thoughts of reminiscing the good moments of the life I lived. They always say that your life flashes before your eyes when you are exiting life, but I guess that only applies to near death situations or the ones that are truly exciting like a plane crash or jumping off a building and the likes.
I’m beginning to feel weaker and weaker by the minute. I guess we are almost there. Sometimes I have asked myself if death is my only hope but now that I am almost at the door to the exit of life, I believe that I made the right decision. I will no longer live in pain. I will no longer be a burden to those that I love even though they don’t know that I am suffering. I will no longer wonder about the afterlife because now that I am dying, I would know what lies beyond life, that is it there is anything at all. I’m beginning to feel the palpitations of my heart due to the blood loss and I’m getting very dizzy and lightheaded. I would probably soon lose consciousness. It truly is an experience to watch your life leave your body. At this point you clearly see the vanity of life. You came to this world with nothing, and you leave with nothing. Everything that you have achieved, built, struggled for will all be left behind for the people you willed them to or taken over by the government if there is no one to give it to. I have a will though. I don’t have an immediate family because the idea of getting married and having children never appealed to me. I still don’t regret that decision either.
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