I found myself constantly wanting. Subconsciously and consciously trying to strengthen bonds that were never meant to exist in the first place. I continue to fight battles that are not mine and still wonder why I lose.
I’m not blind, neither am I deaf. I can see the signs, hear the lies but yet I fight. What am I even fighting for? Who am I fighting for? Is it truly for me? Or is it for them? Because I want them? I said in a table surrounded by people who do not see me. They barely acknowledged my existence but yet I stay.
I can see the truth. I’m not blind to the fact that they don’t want me. I know this. My head is aware; my heart is also aware but yet we stay. They show me how little I mean to them but yet I stay. Their actions stray so far from their words that it feels like they are speaking a different language entirely.
The worst part is I’m too self-aware that I notice it all. I notice the words and how different they are from their actions. I notice how they say they’ll do something, but they don’t do it. I notice the times they say, ‘I’ll call you back’ and they don’t. I notice how less they actually do call me back; if they do at all.
I notice how long they take to respond to my text even if I know they’re always with their phone. I notice how much I mean to them and it’s not a lot. I notice how little they care about my feelings. How they care about how their actions make me feel. How the thought probably doesn’t even cross their mind, how my feelings don’t even cross their mind. I’m just supposed to understand. Why? Because somehow I don’t have feelings and their feelings should matter more.
I notice how they say they will text me back and they don’t. I notice how many hours and days it takes to get that text back. I notice how some of my messages go unresponded to, pushed to the sidelines while they bring up new conversations. I notice how they respond when I bring up those ignored messages. I notice how no matter how many times I bring it up; they continue to do it. I notice even after the confrontation those messages still remain not responded to.
I send 5, they responded to 2, and ignore the 3.
I notice how I feel every time my words are ignored. I notice how we spend our talking on the phone only to not hear from each other for days or weeks. And I know this story of people have lives and they can be busy, but why does that always have to apply to me. We both know that there are people that they talk to regularly. There are people in their life don’t have to ‘understand’. People that they don’t ignore their texts; they call and call back. People that they keep in the loop and don’t question their value in their lives.
I know those people exist. I also know I’m not one of them. I know I don’t mean much to you even if you like to deny it. Every word, every action screams it in my face but yet I’m still here.
I want to mean more to you but I still know that’s not going to happen. I know it. I can see it. Yet here I am.
Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. Or maybe hope is a dangerous thing. I have been on the pedestal of your affection before, and it hurts that I’ve been kicked off. It hurts that’s I’m an afterthought. It hurts because I didn’t have to do anything to be pushed aside, you just decided that I wasn’t worth it.
Every day I see it. After every call, every delayed text, every missed call, every unreturned call, every day that goes by in silence I know I don’t matter. I know I mean nothing. Or maybe I do mean something but not something important.
Knowing something is easy. The knowledge is available to you. You can see it. Accepting it is where the problem lies. I have seen every action and inaction, and heard every word, and every silence. I know it but I haven’t accepted it. I still want to be there for you and maybe you take advantage of that or maybe you don’t.
But at the end of the day this isn’t about you. It’s about me fighting for a lost cause. It’s about me being treated like an option but still staying despite it. Maybe I’m just stupid. I don’t know. But I’m still here and I’ll be here until I’m not.
And that’s the kicker. I give and give until I have nothing left to give. That’s who I am and who I will continue to be. But once I’m done, I’m fucking done. Not even the gates of hell will bring me back. So I guess that’s my consolation for all the hurt.
There is always a limit to what a person can take. And when I get to mine I’ll finally be done with you and everything that concerns you.