ME (17TH NOVEMBER 2024)
I’ve been doing some self-reflection lately and it made me notice certain things, both in the general concept and about myself as a person. One of those things is that we are a very biased species especially when it comes to our personal beliefs about ourselves.
When we believe we are a good person no one’s opinion of if we are bad or anything but good, matters as long as we believe that we are good in our mind.
What I mean is that as long as someone’s opinion about us is different from the way we think about ourselves we tend to disagree, become defensive or even cut the person off. We deny the possibility of ever being seen as anything other than the way we see ourselves.
We do not indulge or encourage the thought that we may not be the kind of person we think we are. When we believe we are nice and someone says we are mean, we defend ourselves, possibly even tell them of other events we have shown our ‘niceness’. My question is if you are truly nice why do you need to convince others? Shouldn’t that be a trait they can clearly see especially in your actions.
A couple years ago I realized that we as humans are very funny species. There are so many reasons I came to this conclusion, but we’ll be focusing on one of the reasons. That reason is the fact that we are so hypocritical that we do not notice that the same things we don’t like are the same things we do to others.
For example, a person that doesn’t like being ignored is blessed with an avoidant attachment style, which means they tend to avoid people also. So, the same way they hate to be ignored is the same way they tend to ignore people also.
Now I’m not saying this applies only in this dynamic. All I’m saying is that most likely some of the things we don’t like others doing to us, we tend to also do the exact same thing to other people. So really evaluate yourself and I’m sure you’ll see it for yourself. You don’t like when people call you without letting you know but you do it to others. You don’t like when people take hours to reply to your texts, but you do it to others. It may not be to the people that their ignorance offends you, but you do it anyways.
That being the main gist of it, I noticed something about myself recently. I am not who I think I am. At the time of me writing this, I can’t exactly remember what made me come to that conclusion, like the situation that occurred exactly. But the situation made me look inwardly at myself and see that I am not who I think I am.
The character that I thought I was exhibiting is not what others are seeing. And when someone says this is what they are seeing and it contradicts to what I believe to see it doesn’t mean they hate me or are trying to be offensive, at least not everyone that says it. I should in the light of this observation actually look at my actions from an exterior point of view.
It made me realise that in as much as I think I am something my actions show otherwise, and until someone says it and I’m ready to reflect on it instead of defending myself I can’t be the type of person I want to be. We are just people and people make mistakes. People that have a growth mindset are willing to take correction and do better.
Hopefully I remember the situation that occurred to make me come to this realization before I post this entry. I didn’t remember unfortunately.
Unfortunately, I also realized that I like someone. Why do I say unfortunately? Because this individual has already told me what they are about and it’s the opposite of what I want, but apparently that is not enough for me to eradicate this likeness for an emotionally unavailable individual.
Will I confess my feelings? Absolutely not. Why? Because I would like to practise what I preach and take a hint, especially when said person had already told you who they are, what they are about, and what they want. Truthfully, I’m not in love or anything like that so there is hope. I just like like this person. It will go away eventually. There’s only so much a person can take anyways. (Update; the feeling went away but it came back a little differently, I can’t really explain it but I’ll keep you posted. So yeah, I realized that those returned feelings were just infatuation and as usual it has gone away so as my likeness.)
I have been advised to do something completely out of my skill set and that I have never actually done before but I’m not sure. Is it worth it? I guess we’ll find out soon enough, I’ll definitely keep you updated.
I just asked myself a question and answered it myself. Why do we fall for emotionally unavailable people? Because they showed you a taste of what it could be if they were emotionally available, and that taste is addictive. Also, stupidly good dick or pussy.
In other news, its November and I’m not depressed yet, so I guess that’s a good sig. I don’t feel like shit, maybe because I haven’t thought about my life much. Anyways fingers crossed.
We are all living in glass houses, so before you go around firing shots make sure your house is bullet proof.
I think I spoke too soon about the depression thing cause she’s very much alive (10th November 2024)
Not as bad though.