I look in the mirror and I see the reflection of me, not the me that I like but that I despise. She’s nothing like the image of me in my head. She’s worse. She’s a thorn in my side. She’s the person I try so desperately hard not to be but here she is looking at me. I refuse to believe she’s who I’m seeing, but no amount of face washing, and rubbing my eyes has removed the person I see staring back at me. She’s not smiling, she’s incapable of that. She stares at me unmoving and unfeeling. She looks at me like she looks like everything else in this world, with total indifference.
I’m not scared of her; I just hate her. I hate how she makes me feel and what she does to me. But she’s here. I can’t run or hide. She will consume me, if she hasn’t already. She has stolen all my emotions and left me hallow. She has stolen my capability to feel anything but numbness. She never has a time limit for her stay, and she always comes without warning. But you’ll always know when she’s here and when she leaves. Nothing motivates me anymore. Nothing motivates me anymore. I just live and exist as a shell. I breathe, eat, sleep and move like a regular person but within me I’m barely alive. Sometimes she takes those privileges away too.
Insomnia strangles me, appetite desserts me, my lungs give out and my desire to function falls into a desire to remain in a state of stagnancy. The mirror is my greatest enemy in these times because I no longer recognise myself. All I see is her. And seeing her makes everything worse. She reminds of my failures. She shows that I am a failure. She shows me how worthless, stupid, dumb, incompetent, shameful, useless, lonely and disappointing I am. She doesn’t need to say anything, and she never does, but her silence is so unnervingly loud you’ll be able to hear everything her lips do not speak.
‘Let me know what you think, any opinions or comments you may have as well as my latest daily segment (DeliciousWords) will be on Instagram: @beautifully_psychotic_ and Twitter: @BeautifullyPsyc. I look forward to interacting with you. Or if you just want to talk I’m here to listen.’