It is unfortunate that I have to love you a little less because you love me so much more. I cannot bare to leave you but I know I cannot stay. We just keep hurting each other, more so me hurting you. I know no matter what I do to you, you’d never leave me. You love me way too much that you can’t see how much damage having me in your life is causing you. Its not like I don’t love you, its that every time I look at you I see what I’ll never be. When you break down my walls, I hate you for it. I hate that you can get to parts of me that I could never reach, and still find difficult to reach. I hate that I want you to keep doing it over and over again.
I see the softness in you that I’m so jealous that I could never be that person for you. You inspire to do better but every time I do I mess it up. You open the doors of love in me, and I pour it out then I remember that I can only love you and the hate pours in and shuts those doors and I hurt you deeply, yet you stay. You hold me and tell me how much you love me, and I fight you off but you never let me go. I scream, shout, punch, kick and shove you away but you never leave. I don’t know how else to tell you that I’m not worthy of the love that you give me.
I don’t know how else to show you I don’t deserve you. I don’t know how else to let you know that I can’t love you the way you love me. I don’t have that courage to tell you that the reason I can’t love you is because I don’t love myself. If I can’t love myself, how would I be able to love you? How can I give the love I’ve never known to you? How can I look at the same face you stare at with admiration and only see a monster? How can the same body you worship so religiously, can I despise so terribly. I don’t know how to make you see what I see. I don’t know how to show you that I am not the one for you.
Your touch ignites flames of affections within me and I want to forever be in your arms, surrounded by the unconditional love that you shower me with. Your kisses elevate the desire within me. Your very being and existence gives me more reasons to breathe than any other. Your smile does things to me that I never thought were possible. I just want to make sure that smile never falters. I want to live the life of happiness that I know only you can bring me. I want so many things that I could possibly have with you. The day is spent beautifully with you and the night is filled with peace as we fall asleep.
And then I wake up, I feel you against me and I’m numb again. You wake up and try to touch me, but I stare at your hand like a foreign entity. Our eyes meet and you know as well as I that whatever was there the other day is gone. But you don’t get upset or irritated, instead you are patient with me, and I hate you for it. I hate you for loving me when I can’t love you. Then I hate myself again for being unable to love myself. Then I hate both you and me for making me feel worse. Since I can’t run from myself I have chosen to run from you. Catch me if you can.
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