I can’t exactly explain myself in the way that feels sane, especially after the things that happened to me the last time. I don’t think there is even a possible same manner to describe my behaviour after such a traumatic experience. It’s been weeks, months even since I invited my nightmare into my home and the scar was created.
Its been months since he raped me and promised to come back. The worst part of the story? I’ve been waiting. I’m sure you’d think its because I was scared, paranoid, anxious even because of what happened to me. And you’d be right but it’s not for the reasons that you think. I’m waiting for him like a wife waits for her husband to come home from work. I don’t wait for fear that he will come, I wait for him to come.
I want him to come. Its fucked up and I know it. I’ve known it was fucked up since the day that he raped me, and I liked it. I’ve known it was fucked up after I started looking over my shoulder searching for him in my surroundings because I wanted to see him again. I wait for him till late at night until I fall asleep on my sofa. I even leave my door unlocked sometimes so he can freely come in, even if I know he can get in regardless.
I know! I’ve lost my damn mind! Waiting for him like a fool. Wanting him even, but I can’t stop. I haven’t told a single soul about what happened, not even the police. Why would I? He’s my secret and mine alone. I’ve kept on living my life as usual. Doing everything I usually do but I’m more alert now because I’m looking for him, expecting him.
I’ve recently started to make assumptions about him. Asking myself if I was the first person he ever did that to or am I just among the others? Did he actually mean it when he said he’d be back or was that to scare me so I don’t report him? But I’m not scared though, at least not in the way I should be. I’m scared he won’t come back. What if he’s lost interest in me? What if something bad had happened to him? What if he did it to someone else and they reported him?
Its funny how I even wanted to start going to prisons and hospitals to check if he was there. I’ve completely lost my mind haven’t I? But then again was I ever really sane to begin with or I just needed someone to bring out what I subconsciously always knew was there. Whatever the case maybe I’m here now and he’s all that I want. All that consumes my mind. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted someone so much in my life.
No matter how many times I touch myself or use other toys to get myself if it’s never enough. Its not just sex I want, its him. I know it because I’ve tried to see and be with other people, but it makes me feel uncomfortable, like I’m cheating on him. I gave up soon enough. I know who I want and its not any of these guys. Why haven’t I called him or tried to contact him? Because I don’t have the balls, and I truly want to see if he would keep his word. I want to see if he really wants me.
I think I should try to seek help so I can move on from everything. Another long day at work and I just want to take a shower and sleep. Immediately I opened the door and stepped into my house I know he was there. I smelt him before I felt him, then I saw him. He was seated on my sofa staring right at me. The bone chilling, crippling fear that ran through my body at that very moment was one I have never felt.
I was paralyzed by shock and fear. I couldn’t even blink to save my life. I doubt I even want to save my life at this point. He’d probably kill me, and I’d thank him just so he could touch me. For someone that has been expecting this to happen every day for the past 6 months 2 days and 3 hours. Yes, I have been meticulous with my calculations. I’m acting the opposite of how I thought I would be.
He tilts his head to the side as if to say, ‘miss me?’ I still can’t move until he beckons on me with his finger to come, only then do I move. The moment I am 5 feet away from him, he stops me and tells me to strip. I strip bare before him like the day I was born and the moment my eyes timidly meet his he smiles and my heart stops.
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