This was a hard write, but so has everything I have been writing since I could write again.
Whoever thought that day would come that the most confident person I know would lose it all. Sometimes it’s funny how you talk yourself into building this persona that is amazing, then you again talk yourself into its destruction. The person I present as the outgoing social butterfly is this complete opposite of my introverted ass. She is the person I always want to be at every moment but that’s not me. I’m her though, at every social event, when I’m pushed out of my safe space (my bed). She always knows when to take over but sometimes I’m too introverted for her to present herself, but she always comes through if I really need her to.
Anyways let us revert back to my loss. I have always been slim, not skinny but not thick either, just portable, I guess. The curves were more visible even though they weren’t much, but they were there. After I moved to Canada I didn’t dress up as much or even eat as much either so I’m assuming that’s where the weight loss started from. Then covid hit so the concept of dressing up was completely discarded along with the winter season and all that. As I didn’t bring many clothes from home, I wasn’t seeing the changes. Then I went home after 2 years of being away and the comments of my skinniness began to roll in during my visit. I’m not one to let the comments or words of others get to me but I was in a very bad place emotionally and mentally at that point. Although it didn’t affect me much, it started small by making me extremely self-conscious. As the confident bitch that I was I still wore what I wanted and still looked fire but the need to wear things that made me look homeless itched more often than not. Most times when I could I’d wear baggy stuff. Anyway, I didn’t have a lot of those and one of my parents tended to hate most of my clothes so that limited my options. All I had at that time was just self-consciousness basically. I could still find her and be confident, but I second guessed myself continuously. Then I came back to Canada and the moment my feet touched Canadian soil all the emotions and depression I left behind smacked me back in the face like I never left. That was the beginning of my downfall. After about a week my self-confidence was completely gone. All I wanted to wear were clothes twice or 3 times my size. I wanted to be as unnoticed as air. It was winter so we still had to wear winter jackets and stuff, so I was always covered. Then the self-comparisons started, the who I am now, who I was and who I wanted to be.
I can’t remember when I wrote this but I’m going to assume that it was also in September and to me it looks very incomplete as at that time I tend to get too lost in my own mind to actually finish somethings so let me see if I can finish this better. I lost my self-confidence when I went back home and only realized its full effect when I came back to school. I’ve never been self-conscious about my body before so this was a very weird feeling. Let’s get back to how exactly I felt when I came back, and the body hatred began. So, when I got back, I started to see my body very differently. I started to see all the things that they were saying, the skinniness was no longer my usual size even though I’ve not reduced in my clothing size, the sight was someone that wasn’t me. All I saw was skin and bones. I’m pretty sure that I wasn’t that skinny but when everyone starts a conversation with my weight and its constantly being brought to your attention you start to see things differently, you find existent and non-existent flaws. I won’t say that much about what I saw cause I really didn’t see much, all I could think about was that I need to add some weight. I’ve always liked and wanted clothes that were twice my size but this time I wasn’t just buying them because I liked them anymore, I was buying them because I needed to hide my body from myself and others. When I first bought sweatshirts in Canada I bought them in a size small, which is my size, I regretted that decision because my arms were longer than the clothes and it didn’t feel big. Hoodies and sweatshirts are just always supposed to be big! That’s just how it’s supposed to be. Anyways after I bought a large hoodie that was it, literally every single hoodie I own is in a large. It feels so comfortable. As for my sweatshirts I alternate between a medium and large, but I mostly buy large. As I started buying more of those items, I also bought sweatpants, fortunately sweatpants naturally always look big depending on the type you buy, and I buy the baggy type. I did buy 1 or 2 that weren’t baggy but I’m not a fan, and I can’t by trousers that a bigger than be, so they don’t fall off, so I appreciate my baggy pants very much. As much as my closet changed, I also moved to jeans as well and I am leaning to baggy crop tops as well. I still dress nicely sometimes but mostly hoodies and stuff especially cause its winter right now.
After my personal attack on my closet the personal criticism developed to a different level, the level that I never in my life thought I’d reach, comparisons. We all have things we don’t like about our bodies; stuff we’d like to change and people we feel have all the qualities we wish we had body wise. I have never had an image of someone like that in my head because I’d never had a reason to, I guess. So now I did, and I compared myself oh so badly. I never looked at my friends or those around me though, I looked at celebrities and public figures. I hated the fact that they had the body that I wanted, I hated the fact that my body could possibly never be like that, I hated the fact that I had stooped to that level of comparison. I hated being stared at for whatever reason. I hated mirrors even more than usual. I hated the fact that I couldn’t eat to get the body I want because I’ve never been a big eater and my metabolism was God’s treasured gift to me. I just hated myself and wanted to hide away from the world. I won’t tell you that I’m all healed and loving my body now, but I will tell you that I’m better. I don’t know how I did it, but self-realization always has a way of waking me up sometimes and she did. I stopped the comparison and the hate. I began to appreciate how beautiful all these women’s bodies were. I admired all of them both the natural and artificial.
I stopped feeling how I felt by accepting who I am. I won’t lie to you and tell you that I love my body 100%, but I love it better now. There are things that I want to change and don’t like but that doesn’t stop me from admiring the things that I do love. I lost my self-confidence in my body and even though I’m better than I was before I still hide. I’ve always loved my big clothes and I’ll never stop but now I don’t just wear them cause I like them anymore. To be honest, it’s a process and I’m fine with taking my time with it, everything takes time. Sometimes I wake up obsessed with myself and other times I wake up wanting to be anyone else but me. I have accepted my body for what it is, it has potential to do better, and it will eventually but I’d only go down that road when I’m doing it for all the right reasons and so should you. The best way to improve your body is to love it first before you decide if you want to make adjustments whether naturally or artificially. Its your body and your choice.