ME

ME (APRIL 29^th 2022)

It’s been forever and a day hasn’t it. I have found myself sinking deeper and even far more deeper than I ever thought would be possible and that I had no idea that I was digging for myself, and even at this point, after months of trying I am nowhere to coming out of it instead I have poured more water into it and sunk far deeper than I ever thought was possible for someone that I thought was very in touch with her emotions, not so much her life but at least her reality was clear for what it was and she wasn’t chasing stars in the sky. I am no closer to getting out of this whole now, than I was when I fell into it, but I acknowledge where I am now though, and you want to know that point? It’s the point where you know you are in it bad, but you can’t particularly place your finger on how you got there or what exactly is your problem. 

I have never in my entire existence thought that a day like this would come, it’s even more than a day maybe more of a time in my life would come that all the things and places that were my safe heaven became strangers to me. Music, dance, reading and writing, all the things that usually brought me peace and comfort are now strangers to me. I suddenly had a flash of thought in my head to break my laptop for no reason, but what would that profit me? A broken laptop? My entire school life is on this device as we have indirectly been shoved online based on the current circumstances that hold the world hostage at this point in time, but at the end of the day whether the importance of the device was less or a lot, there is no reason to throw away a perfectly good gadget out for no reason but a spontaneous desire. I guess that thought was to bring me to a topic, but I have no topic right now, all I have is misery, pain, sadness, and emptiness. 

I’ve been considering getting some professional help because this is by far the worse state I have ever been in mentally and emotionally but I’m too African for all that jazz. Don’t mind me my heritage has nothing to do with my inability to do the needful I’m still trying to consider all my options and see how far I can go on my own till I can no longer handle it; not like I’m doing a very good job as of right now. I don’t want to talk too much about this part because I haven’t really thought about it much, but I will come back to it at a later time just not today or in this entry.

So, it’s time to talk about me, I’ve always hated that subject ‘me’. I walk around like a bad bitch because I am one but inside there are a lot of things that won’t qualify me for that title but who really is a bad bitch? The one that fakes it till they make it? Or the one that knows who they are and isn’t ashamed to be themselves at any point in time without fear or stigma? I’ll let you decide. Anyways my self hatred isn’t today’s topic either, my pain is. I have been pushed to my maximum elasticity by life because indeed life is a bitch, so I guess its my turn, not like it ever wasn’t. I got a job last summer for the first time in my life and it made see how hard it is to work for your money, that shit sucks balls, but it was a major growth on my part and a new chapter that was opened in my journey of adulthood. It was both a good and bad experience and I got to learn and grow up. Along the way I made some awesome friends and saw a part of the working-class lifestyle in which people are constantly at war with you even when you have no idea they exist,or have you ever interacted with them much less had an issue but you are judged just because you are not of the same race. Racial discrimination is not a new thing too, but it is new in the fact that I haven’t experienced it before as I grew up surrounded by people of the same race as me. The point of this little pinch of a clip is that you learn every day and no matter how much you think you know, you still don’t know everything. 

After this whole summer and work endeavor it was back to school, a massive issue I encountered was finding accommodation because my school is in a small city, and now we were trying to go back to in person classes after the struggle with the pandemic which apparently doesn’t want to end by any means, but we move regardless. So, this particular accommodation issue skyrocketed my stress levels to a whole other level and for the first time in my life I was unaware of the fact that my mask couldn’t hide that level of stress, we’ve accumulated now though so my façade is very much intact. Long story short I was in a bad place, and no one could help me until my mom came through for me, bless her. That part of my life was sorted out so at east I could rest my head, I spent the whole of September with this struggle, and it took a toll of me, a toll that was obvious to those who cared enough to notice. It appears that anyone who saw me at that point could see that I wasn’t okay, but I survived. Felt really weird for people to see it and ask me what’s wrong and then the usual reply of nothing, few people knew but didn’t really make a difference to the situation. I know I’m not being very detailed but work with me here, I’m not very good at talking about my shit, but I think we’d slowly get there, very very slowly. 

Then school was kicking my ass, can’t lie that was mostly my fault cause I never make an effort in my education. I had to retake a course 3 times before I finally passed it and could actually move further in my course. The fact that I had already done this course twice and couldn’t meet the mark I was supposed to for me to pass it for my course was already driving my anxiety to another level of insanity. I was at the point that I said if I failed this course again, I was going to change my course straight up.

Sorry for the break in transmission, just started vibing with my depression playlist. It’s the euphoria album for season 2 by Labrinth. I’ve been listening to it since I started writing cause I needed something depressing and sad to listen to channel my focus and it did work. 

Back to what I was saying, yeah so I was basically walking on thin ice with myself and I was so fucked up in the head cause even at that point I still wasn’t putting any effort to study or pass the damn course, ironic isn’t it. I just couldn’t get myself to do the work no matter the situation, but I guess it’s just my usual reaction to education. Don’t get me wrong I know I have a problem and it’s a very bad reaction to education and my then situation, but I literally just can’t help it. I want to do better, but I just don’t. I will work on it, at least try to find the motivation to work on it first then we’ll move from there. At that point in my life, I felt useless and hopeless cause I couldn’t motivate myself to do the work and myself worth was daily being questioned by me. I felt stupid, more stupid than usual. I felt like a total and absolute failure, and I just wanted to fucking die. The question my mother asked me one-time kept ringing in my head ‘if you had an extra year who would pay for that?’ I had no answer then and I still don’t. I’ve already been the disappointment of the family so many times so it wouldn’t be new to me but the fact that I travelled all the way across the world to do that upon all the money they are spending on my education and welfare made the whole shit worse and I felt like I was a worthless being that should have never been born in the first place. I felt all the childhood trauma and pain hit me like a wrecking ball and drive me into this sinkhole that I am in. I did pass the course at the end of the day though, so I was happy. My anxiety and depression never left though cause I still had to meet a specific score in some other courses to move further but that was a struggle for another day.

I shall continue this when I wake up………

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