ME (12th SEPTEMBER 2022)
Burning sensations deep within has me wondering what would hurt more, this sensation or the actual fire? Would life be better to exist or just make an effort to live?
I have no more meaningful words that would speak the words that ache my chest to speak. A lot of things to drown the pain within me has crossed my mind recently. I have considered so many things that I never thought I would ever be pushed to do. I haven’t done anything yet, but it frightens me the lengths I would go to stop the pain. It scares me how much more pain is actually going to be needed to successfully push me over the edge.
For the second time in my life, I am drowning in unfamiliar waters with no source of escape. Surprisingly I have considered drugs, but the consequences stop me. I have considered alcohol, but I hate the taste, the feeling of drunkenness doesn’t really appeal to me because of the lack of control and consciousness, also how much of that bitter liquid I would have to consume to reach the state where I can no longer feel the pain anymore. Then the concept of not remembering whatever it is that I did while intoxicated doesn’t sit right with me at all. I have also considered weed; I dread the thought itself. It still falls under the notion of my lack of control but mostly my health condition that makes me a potential asthma patient without asthma. Cigars could also be added to this regard, but I honestly haven’t had the thought of them to be honest. I know weed can be taken in different ways, but I can’t accept that thought of intoxication into my head even if that’s what I want to reach.
I have had so many thoughts, but common sense always wins as well as my tender health which medically cannot be explained. The whole idea behind these thoughts is to numb the pain inside me, but if we are being logical this will only be a temporal fix no matter how many times, I do these things my pain won’t stop neither would it get solved either. It just numbs my logical reasoning and prolongs the pain. After just recently coming out of a six month long depressive state, I literally had 2 months of freedom before it came back to haunt me. I feel like a game to it at this point, and its only going to go downhill from here. I’m slowly losing interest in things I enjoy. As usual the first to go is my reading, funny how it was the last thing I recovered, I’m partially blaming the book I’m reading but we both know that its 10% the actual problem. I will eventually start a new book to test this theory, but until then I’ll blame the book. The second is my music, today September 12th, is the first time that I felt that feeling of numbness to music. No song was just doing it but eventually I got a little bit of solace. And we all know that once my music goes so does my dancing and by that moment all hope is lost. This is the first time I’ve written since last year (2021). I would rejoice if I didn’t feel like it may take another 2 years for me to write again.
If all my aids of survival dessert me once more, what exactly is going to save me when I am going into a seemingly tough time in my educational venture. What do I do to save myself? Now I’m on my own again, no boyfriend to distract me anymore. I guess I’m just going to have to figure it out as I no longer have a choice. I do not know how long it would take to recover nor how deep the pain is going to get and that part scares me the most.
Considered self-harm but I love my skin too much.
Crying seems almost impossible; she only comes when she wants to and apparently, she’s been avoiding me and my drama. I’m going to try though one of these days maybe some of my pain would be released, fingers crossed.
Been meaning to write an erotica but it seems too much in the sense that I’m not sure if I have the words to construct what I would really want to say, but we’ll see.
Based on my last entry I was supposed to continue what I was writing when I woke but unfortunately that did not happen, until how many months later before I wrote again. I’ll try to remember to update you guys from what has happened so far though, I’ve had a lot of thoughts recently, so you’ll see where my mind has been in the following weeks. I’m still yet to figure out how you guys can comment on this site without registering to the site but for the mean time do like, comment and connect with me on other social media outlets like ig: @beautifully_psychotic_ and Twitter: @BeautifullyPsyc. Have an awesome weekend.