I’ve always wanted to attend a wedding for were one of them said no or didn’t show up, never thought it’d be mine.
I sit here at my bridal room all made-up and ready for my big day. This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life. I took so many months planning this day, scrutinizing every detail to a point of precision. I smiled, I cried, I laughed, throughout all the hurdles that came my way and I pushed through it all. Only for the big day to come and I feel all the things I’m not supposed to feel.
Unsure, doubt, confusion, sadness, numbness, all these emotions are not supposed to be at the forefront of my mind especially not on ‘the happiest day of my life’. But yet their voices are the loudest. They whispered questions and thoughts I shouldn’t be thinking, at least not at this moment.
My bridesmaids are getting ready in the connecting room. They haven’t seen me yet, it’s supposed to be a surprise before I walk down the aisle. The makeup artist just left, but not after telling me that I’m her best work yet. I look tremendously gorgeous. I’ve never felt so beautiful as I do in this moment. Yet I feel so hallow. I look at my face again, stand up and walk to the full-length mirror to take a better look at everything I took my time to put together.
The sexiest most scandalous lingerie, stockings gracing my feet. A garter resting above the right one patiently awaiting the reception for my husband take it off. I’m supposed to be ready, but I feel far from it. I look at the wedding dress I designed from scratch. Every thread, stitch, gem, material, everything I selected them meticulously with the fashion designer.
It feels more like I hand made the dress myself with the way I was hovering around the poor woman. She didn’t complain though, maybe just not to my face. I looked at the dress in awe. It’s looked too beautiful to be touched. I realized I was scared. Scared to touch my own wedding dress.
An alarm start startled me. I quickly went to my phone to turn it off. That was my 30 minute warning alarm. I have 30 minutes to get dressed, touch up anything that needs to be touched up and be heading down to walk down the aisle to the rest of my life. For where I stand I could see my reflection ‘What are you doing?’ I didn’t even realize when the questions slipped from my lips but it had and with it panic set in.
My thoughts raced in my head. Why am I here? Why am I doing this? Do I really want to do this? Am I ready for this? What if he changes? What if I change? What if this whole thing is a sham?! What if I’m making a mistake? Am I even sure I want kids? What if he’s not who I thought he was? What if this isn’t really what I want? What if we aren’t ready for marriage and the challenges that come with it? Why am I having all these thoughts now? Is this a sign? What if love is not enough? What if love is not enough?? Why do I feel the sudden urge to run?
Fear, doubt, anxiety, deep rooted panic surged through me. I ran to the closet picked up a dress I randomly carried, put it on and ran for my life.