I sit here staring blankly at the wall hearing words that I wish would stop. They ring in my head over and over again. Taunting and haunting me. Doesn’t matter where I am, what I’m doing or who I’m with, those words don’t stay forgotten. They crossed my mind like a punishment, like a curse that follows you, constantly reminding you that your life is not your own. Mocking your denial, laughing at your resistance.
“You don’t have any imagination!”
In some circumstances this would mean nothing but not in this particular circumstance that it was said. I take pride in my imagination. I’ve been writing since I was a child so no matter the situation or circumstance calling my imagination empty would always be an insult.
I stare at the wall again questioning myself. Am I the problem? Or am I just a victim of circumstance?
Encounter after encounter has felt empty. Like losing a piece of myself every time he touches me.
It isn’t violent or nonconsensual, it’s just off. That’s the only way I can describe it. Why do I repeat encounters or let the encounter continue even when it feels off? Because some part of me enjoys some parts of it and feels it could be better.
I get on my knees, and I take his dick in my hand and put it in my mouth. It’s not my favorite thing to do but I do it anyway. I like to pleasure who I’m with. Then I start and it feels wrong. I can’t deep throat to save my life, but I try. I try and try and try and fail each time. It felt like a slap to the face. I’ve never been in a situation where nothing I did was pleasurable to the person.
He was different. I was humbled. I’ve never felt so ashamed and disappointed in my sexual skills than in that very moment. After the encounter I felt a deep wave of depression. My mood was off for a couple of days and I thought about how lacking I was.
I felt unqualified. Why couldn’t I please him? I resigned myself to believe my skills were not up to par and I need to improve and do better. I recovered and let it be. Then the shift happened. The interest I once had was lost. I’ve never observed myself lose sexual interest in someone so I didn’t realize it at first.
But I did notice it later when I started thinking about all the reasons I and him would not work. In both a romantic or casual sense. So I let it be. I didn’t bring it up or preach my stance. I just sat within myself and accepted the situation for what it was.
I thought he was over me but I was mistaken because a second encounter presented itself and I felt worse after. That same off feeling but 10 times worse. This time knew I was incapable. I feel stupid for even trying. His patience with me made it even worse because he was trying to teach me how to do it and I was flopping hard.
In that moment I understood what people meant when they say ‘what a waste of sin’ cause honestly the whole situation shouldn’t have happened. He didn’t get to come and neither did I but the only difference is that I enjoyed some action while he didn’t feel a thing.
I felt so disappointed in myself that I decided that we should never encounter each other again. I also came to the realization that people are different (which I already knew) but some peoples levels are higher than others. He’s at a different league from where I am and in order to get to where he is, I need training. Our leagues weren’t meant to cross except the level up the other.
Two realizations. One is training is needed, as I’ve always known. I could do better I just need practice I do want to do better. Two is what’s the point in getting all those kills for someone like that. This is obviously a temporary situation so why put in all that effort for something that isn’t exclusive or going to last. So I shut down and locked up. We shouldn’t do this again, it’s not worth it for both our sakes. We both can’t be leaving unsatisfied, him more so than I but still, what’s the point?
The last encounter happened and I realized a few things. The major one being that I am a whore at heart and the only way to avoid sexual situations is to avoid the person entirely. I can stand on business but I can also be weak, the issue is you never know which version you would get.
Everything was going well until it wasn’t. My body was unresponsive even to me. Biological reactions were taking place but mentally and physically she wasn’t agreeing. I tried everything I could to get her to where she needed to be but she refused to cooperate. She was adamant with my earlier decision that I had lost interest and this shouldn’t be happening.
Nothing I did to make her relax or feel, worked. I’ve never felt more like a stranger to my own body than that very moment. And again his patience was endearing but nothing could help me at that point, she didn’t want it and she wasn’t having it.
Attempt after attempt. Different processes and positions but nothing fucking worked. Even I was frustrated with my body. Why wasn’t she listening to me?!! My own body was cock blocking me!!1 I’ve never felt so confused and stupefied.
Eventually it all came to an end and the worst of the worst feelings ever, enveloped me. Shame, humiliation, sadness, emptiness, disappointment and fear. I apologize severally but I knew it would never be enough. I can’t even bring myself to text him because why the fuck would I do that? What is there to say really?
I have given myself another trauma because I was weak. I should have stopped it before I got too far but I didn’t. I should have stood on business and said no from the very beginning because I knew it was going to end badly but this was the height. I don’t even think I can look him in the eye, at least for a while.
One of the things I learned is that even if I convince myself to want it, if my body doesn’t want it she won’t cooperate.
I learned to stay in my level with those on my level. And if I ever wanted to upgrade, it would take time and consistency with someone that cares for me in a certain way and is willing to work the journey with me, however long it takes.
Another thing is I know how my body behaves when she wants it. I have seen her in action. It doesn’t take much to get her there. A look is enough. A touch is an ignition, and she’d willingly give herself. There is a way she desires to be touched and so far only one man has been able to do it. If she isn’t touched or feeling that way, she won’t cooperate.
Apparently when I lose interest in someone sexually it takes more to get me there. Or maybe it won’t work as a whole. To be discovered but hopefully not.
Did I enjoy certain things? Of course. But it wasn’t to the level I know my body needs.
Life is it journey, so I’m learning something new as I go on. One thing’s for sure even if my mind can be manipulated, my body cannot.