I have become the thing that I despise. I don’t know how it happened, neither do I know when, but I have become the thing that I have long detested. Maybe this is because of all the effects of the past chipping at my heart till it lost its form. Maybe its as defence mechanism, because of past pains that I have become evasive to things that once use to be normal to me.
I avoid the rejection, so I do not put myself in a position to be rejected. I used to detest the fact that people do not make plans to see me but here I am making no effort. I have become more aware of not putting myself in the line of fire, but has this same knowledge made me the one shooting others instead.
Or am I just being overly cautious of not trying to care too much so I don’t end up hurt in the end. If I show that I care, what if they don’t care? Or am I waiting to be sure that they do before I show that I do as well? Or am I just waiting for them to leave like they usually do? If we are all playing this fucking game, then what the fuck is the point?
I said I don’t want to play games anymore. I don’t want to join this generation in this battle of negligence, but am I truly uninvolved? Or am I just not aware of my own flaws and I have completely blindsided my own self? I do not see my flaws because I cannot see myself through the eyes of others. Is that the problem?
Or do I not feel comfortable enough with this person to show how I feel? Or maybe I’m not convinced this is all just a game that will end soon enough. The problem is believing or not believing that this is a game but that’s the major issue in all of this.
Then again when I really think about it, being cautious prevents pain but it also causes loss. What if I am being overly cautious to the point that I push people away. What if within my caution I have begun to play the same mind games, wanting to test and be proven that you really care.
When is it time to draw the line though? Where and when does the game end? Who is truly the winner and how is that decided? Why must we play these games to begin with? Is it for protection or just for the hell of it? What if I don’t even know that I am playing a game? Does that absolve me of the guilt of manipulation?
So many things to ponder and monitor in my behaviour to make sure I’m not becoming the very thing I hate.
I do know that I don’t want to play games and when people call me out on my bullshit, I’m quick to reevaluate myself. That is a good thing.
Maybe I have unintentionally created my own game to protect myself, but I don’t want to play anymore. I just want to be myself and if I get hurt then so be it. I will heal. I will love again because that’s the type of person I want to be. I will be cautious but not to the point of manipulation. I will not let the scars of the past and the worries of tomorrow change who I am.
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